Kavanaugh's Redemption
by Psalm 136
Summary: Under much duress, Laura Cadman's offworld team accepts Kavanaugh as their scientist. But when Kavanaugh’s sissy ponytail makes him king of a primitive culture, is he willing to get his team out or will he save his own skin?
1. The Team's Got KAVANAUGH?

**Title: Kavanaugh's Redemption**

**Author: Psalm 136**

**Rating: T for violence and language.**

**Genre: Action/adventure, humor**

**Summary: Under much duress, an offworld team accepts Kavanaugh as their scientist. But when Kavanaugh's ponytail makes him king of a primitive culture, is he willing to get his team out or save his own skin?**

**Author's Note: This is somewhat of a sequel to "The Key to Atlantis", but the prequel is not required reading. I'm simply using a few of the same original characters I came up with, as well as referring to the things that occurred: Major Lorne is dead, Cadman and Leeds saved Atlantis together by spectacularly blowing up lots of Wraith Hive ships and John and Elizabeth are now together.**

**Also, Chad Henning, an OC, is a character I came up with to honor one of the young men (by the same name) from my community who went into the Air Force.**

**Disclaimer: You know what isn't mine.**

"Permission to complain loudly about my team, sir?"

Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard looked up as the door opened, and one of the ranking military officers on Atlantis, Major Brian Leeds, stepped into his office. Frankly, he was already frustrated with the younger man. John was already halfway through reading the latest mission reports that had piled up over the past two weeks, during which his team had been stranded off world, and he had no desire whatsoever to be interrupted.

Haha. Yeah, right. Like John Sheppard actually wanted to be driven crazy by the amount of paperwork he had to get through. In fact, he was considering giving the officer a raise, due to the younger man's impeccable timing and ability to save his commanding officer's sanity.

"At ease, major." John nodded, accepting Leeds' respect and letting him relax. "Permission granted." He knew that Brian wasn't the type of person to blame whatever might have gone wrong on a recent mission on his team, and therefore, whatever complaining he had to do came from an honest frustration. Actually, John already knew exactly what Brian wanted to complain about, but it was just fun pretending that he didn't.

Brian looked as though whatever fragile control he had on his temper would disappear if he weren't in front of the commanding officer he respected so much. His hands were clenched into fists, and his face was slightly flushed with anger. He really didn't get too angry that much, and he usually handled whatever was wrong with his circumstances rather well, but this was just…

"Really, sir? You're putting **Kavanaugh** on my team? I'm sorry, but isn't there some law that prevents cruel and unusual punishment? I know that that stunt I pulled on Major Lorne's team, the thing with the… you know, on P2Z-392, was pretty bad, but I think even this is pushing the envelope." Brian raked his hands through his short blonde hair. "I haven't even spent five minutes with the man, but I already want to strangle him, or just string up him by that sissy little ponytail he's got going on…"

Brian looked directly at John and his tone was dead serious. "I will do anything to not have to have him on my team. I will trade off Maddox; he's one of the best shots I've ever seen. Hell, I would give up Maddox AND Cadman. And why do I have to suffer a scientist, anyway? Most of my missions are purely military."

"Sir, please." He pleaded, and John was tempted to give in.

But he didn't. "Sorry, Leeds, I can't do anything to help you. Your next strand of missions are some nice meet and greets with the natives, and a physicist and scientist will be an asset to prove to the natives that they need us, and that they can give up some of their food for what we can give them." Sheppard was being honest. That was what had driven him to assign Kavanaugh to a team, and specifically Leeds' team.

"But why, sir?" Brian was desperate. He could be diplomatic and something of a people person, but asking him to deal with the ponytailed loser was stretching it. Cadman was already planning on taking her frustrations out on the unlucky marines who thought it'd be fun to prove that they were better than the woman, and Maddox, the calmest person Brian had ever met, got a little red in the face whenever he thought about Kavanaugh.

John got up from his seat and went to stand in front of the junior officer. "Look, major, I know he's aggravating, but you're just going to have to stick it out for a couple missions. Dr. Weir informed me he's leaving with the Daedalus in two weeks, and I'm sure you can survive until them." Brian nodded, resigned to the situation. "And…"

To his credit, Brian only made the tiniest grimace.

"I'm assigning Lieutenant Chad Henning to your team to make up for the lack of a fourth soldier. Don't worry, Major," John was too cheerful for Brian's tastes. "Henning's great. Reminds me of myself."

"That's what I'm worried about." Brian muttered.

John smirked. "What was that, Major?"

Brian couldn't help but return the smirk. In the back of his mind, he thanked God for having such a lenient and relaxed commanding officer. With most anyone else, that little remark would have gotten him transferred as a worst case scenario and suspended from offworld duties for a month as a best case scenario. But Colonel Sheppard? He understood a soldier's need to be a little insubordinate now and then, and he, in fact, encouraged optimism and jocose attitudes as long as it was in the spirit of fun, and not true insubordination that would undermine his authority as military commander of Atlantis.

Brian coughed. "I said that's what I'm excited about." He lied pleasantly.

"Good." John nodded to the major. "You're dismissed, Leeds."

With a resigned sigh, Brian nodded and casually saluted his commanding officer. He left the office, and turned to the right, only to nearly run into Laura Cadman. He grinned, finally having some good luck (hey, she was hot, he loved running into her). She looked up at him anxiously.

"Well?" She asked. "What did he say?"

"We're stuck with him." Brian replied with a sigh. Side by side, they walked off towards the commissary. "But Colonel Sheppard said Kavanaugh plans to leave in two weeks, so we only have to survive that long, and then we won't need him. And we get Lieutenant Chad Henning."

Laura nodded, a grin forming on her face at the last piece of news. "Hey, I went to high school with that guy. Sweet."

"Sweet." He agreed. Brian knew that things always ran smoother when he and his team were friends off the field because there was trust. He trusted that Laura could take care of herself, and he trusted that young Lieutenant Maddox didn't need to be babysat and could take care of a bad situation if Brian was off somewhere else. With Henning, Brian was sure he would come to trust the young man as well. However, Kavanaugh was simply something he would have to endure.

Laura gave Brian a pat on the back, sensing his depressed thoughts. "Come on, Leeds, let's go get some coffee and then go for a run."

Brian groaned. "You tire me out, Laura."

"That's how I like it." She responded sweetly, and grabbed Brian's elbow, dragging him along behind her.

**XXX**

Dr. Kavanaugh couldn't believe how he would be spending his last two sickening weeks on Atlantis. Going offworld? He was a scientist, not a soldier! He was part of the research team, sent here to learn about another galaxy, and while he had been offworld with several geology teams, it wasn't the same. He'd be stuck with a military team.

First off, he'd not only met Captain Laura Cadman, he'd worked with her before. She was unprofessional and more focused on pointing out the fact that he was a civilian, and he wasn't military, as though it made him a lower class citizen. As for Lieutenant Maddox or Henning, he'd never met either men, but assumed they were the military stereotype: obnoxious alpha males with God complexes.

And then there was Major Brian Leeds. Kavanaugh could not stand the man. Major Leeds was the singularly most annoying man Kavanaugh had ever encountered. He lacked discipline and indulged in levity far too often. Leeds assumed he was a god and that nothing could happen to him because he was funny and all the girls liked him.

Of course, Brian Leeds had never done anything to Kavanaugh specifically, but the scientist knew better than to trust him.

All in all, Kavanaugh knew he would be counting down the days until he was on the Daedalus, out of this dump. He couldn't stand how the military still ran things, despite Dr. Weir's official title as leader. He wasn't stupid; he could tell how Sheppard manipulated his relationship with her and got ideas she would have normally turned down approved. And Dr. Weir… he could only imagine what someone could get to her do, as long as they were sleeping together.

With a snort at the thought, he found himself leaving the science labs and walking down to the commissary. It was several hours past lunch, and he hadn't even noticed the passage of time. He had been working with Dr. Simpson on possibly backwards engineering a puddlejumper for the defense of Earth (as a few of the broken down System Lords were getting a bit frisky), and he'd been so enthralled, he hadn't noticed until an airman delivered Colonel Sheppard's request that he temporarily join Major Leeds' team for a few meet and greets.

As he took a sandwich and some fruit, Kavanaugh considered the idea of being on an offworld team. Of course, there was a lot of good he could do for these primitive people. He was a scientist, and he'd always been a bit of an engineer. He could teach them how to irrigate their crops or whatever in a better fashion than how they were doing it already. He could even show them how to properly build houses.

You know, maybe him being out on the field wouldn't be too badly. He could do a world of good, after all.

Well… there were the Wraith to consider.

Kavanaugh really didn't want to be closer to harm's way than absolutely necessary. He'd come to Atlantis because he had had it up to his "sissy little ponytail" with the military running things (not to mention the fear of being Goa'ulded), only to come to this galaxy and find that there was an enemy a heck of a lot worse than any snake that could reside in someone's head.

Hence why he was leaving in two weeks.

However, he was a civilian, and he didn't really have to do what anyone said. But then again, there was the small problem of Dr. Weir. She could tell him what to do, since she was the civilian leader, and she had this immature thing where she felt it necessary to rip him a new one any time he came to her with a genuine concern. It was as if she simply didn't care that he was suffering. Of course, none of the military actually ever bullied him, since Sheppard would rip them several new ones (Sheppard was, after all, the only one he could really stand; the commander made his people pull their weight, do their duties, and be nice to the scientists, even if Kavanaugh found his ability to manipulate Dr. Weir sickening), but there was an unspoken hatred of him. He was sure of it.

And why not? He was the most brilliant person in this joint. McKay was just lucky he was friends with Dr. Weir. No one actually thought Rodney "I'm So Arrogant I Could Kill You With My Presence" McKay was the one who would save Atlantis.

As Kavanaugh was looking around the mess hall, absently popping grapes into his mouth, he saw a brightly smiling Laura Cadman and an annoyingly grinning Brian Leeds enter the mess hall. To her credit, Laura's smile only faltered slightly when she spotted Kavanaugh, and Brian's completely disappeared, and Kavanaugh found himself fixed with a hard stare, a warning that any arrogance or bad behavior wouldn't be tolerated, since Leeds was technically his 'commanding officer'.

The two soldiers quietly had a conversation as they got their food, and Laura led Brian to where Kavanaugh was sitting and sat down. She greeted the scientist with a wavering smile and she focused on her food.

"So, Kavanaugh," Brian began, opening up his Gatorade. "We're shipping out for M4X-227 tomorrow. Report to the armory at 0830 so we can get you suited up with a firearm." He honestly tried his best to not sound as though it was a militant order, but it was what it was, and Kavanaugh grew to resent him further because of it.

"Very well." He responded condescendingly. "What's M4X-227 like?" He asked in a bored tone of voice, when he was anxious to know what he was up against.

"Ah," Brian's mood was immediately lightened. "Just your run-of-the-mill backwaters planet. There are some weird natives that were passing by the Gate, all with really long hair. Lieutenant Daniel-Jackson-Wannabe… otherwise known as Keegan Maddox… thinks that they use the Gate in their religious ceremonies. They're pretty primitive, but Sheppard warned me that we should try not to get arrows shot at us." He shrugged, as Laura snorted. "I don't really know what he was talking about."

Kavanaugh sniggered inwardly. McKay was such a loser.

"Anyway, just a regular, old meet and greet. Try to swindle them out of twenty percent of their harvest in case ol' Murphy's Law thinks it'd be funny to make the Daedalus break down." Brian shrugged, taking a large bite out of his ham sandwich and washing it down disgustingly (in Kavanaugh's opinion) with purple Gatorade. "Don't worry, Kav," The named shuddered; he hated that nickname some military honcho had given him and the others had adopted. "I won't let any of the scary natives pin you with a spear. Use you as a sacrifice, _**maybe**_, but I swear, it'd only be for a good cause."

Kavanaugh rolled his eyes, and stood up huffily. "I don't have to endure this abuse!" He exclaimed, and stormed away, muttering about incompetent and stupid people.

Brian couldn't help himself as he snickered and continued to eat his sandwich. A swift smack on the back nearly made him choke, and he turned to Laura. "What?" She glowered, and he rolled his eyes. "Geez, Laura, it's not that big of a deal. It's not my fault he's an idiot."

"I told you to be nice." She slapped him on the arm, and got up.

He sighed. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'll be nice next time. He's just so insufferable."

Laura rolled her eyes at him, and threw what little garbage she had away, and took her sandwich and drink with her. "Whatever, Major. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm going to go visit Carson in the infirmary."

"Laura and Carson sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes loooooove," Brian drew out the vowel dramatically. "Then comes maaaaarriage. Then comes the baby in the baby carriage!" He grinned to himself as Laura disappeared from view, and gave his whole attention to the sandwich in his hands. At least for now, the meat was still something he could recognize, and not some very odd Pegasus protein-enriched bread/meat/fruit thing.

Suddenly, a dark-haired blur appeared at Brian's side, nearly causing him to choke once more. He looked up to see Lieutenant Keegan Maddox staring back at him with a bewildered expression. Brian put his sandwich down sadly, and faced the younger member of his team.

Keegan couldn't even focus enough to snap to attention. Sure, when he and his team were off duty, Brian didn't care to be called "Major" since he was relatively new to the higher rank, and he and his team had decided they could handle being friends off duty, but **this** was weird for Lieutenant Maddox. He was out of breath, and his eyes were wide. And Keegan was one of those all too serious kids who had fought the Goa'uld back in the Milky Way and seen way too much to ever really be fun-loving again. So the show of emotion, no matter how small it seemed, concerned Brian.

"What's up, Keeg?" He asked.

"Are you… I mean… really, Kavanaugh?" He spluttered, raking his hands through his hair. "I dunno, Major, I don't think I can handle that. He's arrogant, narcissistic, condescending, rude… and I swear, if Sheppard could just turn a blind eye…"

Brian raised a hand, effectively quieting Maddox. "I know. I know. I talked to Colonel Sheppard, but we're stuck with him, only for two weeks. And hey, if we're lucky, he'll get roped into helping out the natives, so we won't hardly need to see him." He tried to sound hopeful, but he wasn't feeling the optimism at the moment.

"But it's Kavanaugh, sir!" Keegan complained.

"I feel your pain, Lieutenant." Brian stood up, realizing all this talk of Kavanaugh, the most dreaded and feared scientist on Atlantis, had made him lose his appetite. "Come on. We don't have to deal with him at all until tomorrow. M4X-227, another primitive planet. It's going to be great."

Maddox grumbled as Brian threw his trash away, and the two Air Force officers left the commissary. "Is movie night tonight?" The junior officer asked. He was a big fan of Movie Night, as was the entire expedition. On one night during the week, whatever teams weren't offworld would get together and watch a movie. Sometimes it was a cheesy chick flick, sometimes it was a hardcore action movie (like Die Hard, compliments of Teal'c), but it was usually a bonding time. Sometimes, there was even popcorn, which just got everyone all riled up.

"Yup!" Brian reported happily. "They're showing that cartoon Atlantis movie."

"What?" Keegan raised his eyebrows.

"Well, yeah." Leeds shrugged. "General O'Neill sent it. Apparently it's some inside joke between him and Dr. Jackson. Which would make sense. Have you seen that movie? It's a total rip off of the beginning of the Stargate program. Some guy is laughed out of the academic world because of his theories, which turn out to be true, and he's approached by some old woman with a proposition… besides, the main character acts a lot like Dr. Jackson anyway."

And so, the two soldiers parted ways. Maddox went to meet with a few of his off duty marine friends to play their weekly game of tackle football. Brian knew he had a few rigorous hours ahead of him, as he still needed to write a mission report for the last mission his team had been sent on. It was a hard process, writing a report. Maybe if he procrastinated enough, he'd be forced to simply copy an old report, but change the name of the planet. Considering his Kavanaugh stress level, that might just do him well.

Even with their exciting night ahead (Movie Night always was), none of them could possibly know the dangers that laid ahead of them in the morning.


	2. Ponytail Parade

**Disclaimer: Recognize it? Not mine.**

At precisely 0900 hours, Major Brian Leeds was packed up, armed and ready to go in the Gate room. Congregated around him was the lovely Captain Laura Cadman and the always excitingly serious Lieutenant Keegan Maddox. Two members of their "party" were still missing, and Brian would have given both of them slack, considering one was a newbie and the other was a scientist, but the scientist was Kavanaugh.

So, yeah, no slack there.

And considering the other was a newbie… yeah, Brian could let this slide. He'd have a serious talk with the younger man later, but for now, he remembered how scary it was to be a newbie. Then again, **he** had served his time as a newbie at the beginning of the expedition. So, never mind.

A few minutes later, after Brian and his team had listened in on a famous argument between their commanding officer and Dr. McKay (Brian was tempted to believe that Colonel Sheppard HAD been the one to turn everyone smurf-like by 'accidentally' slipping blue dye into the shower water), the doors to the Gate room opened and in walked a young man, dressed in the usual offworld gear, carrying a P-90.

Once close to Major Leeds, the young man snapped to attention and saluted. "Lieutenant Chad Henning, reporting for offworld duty, sir!"

"At ease, lieutenant." Brian saluted in return. "Ready to go?"

Relaxing, Henning suddenly didn't seem as sure and courageous as when he'd marched into the Gate room. He swallowed nervously, and shifted on his feet. "Um, yes, sir." He replied, rubbing the back of his head as he averted his gaze, finding more comfort in the metal tiles that made up the floor than in the eyes of his superior officer.

"Great." Brian grinned, and turned as he heard the doors open once more. He swore, rather viciously, but still quietly, in Czech (thank you, Radek!) when he saw Dr. Calvin Kavanaugh stride into the room as if he owned it, as if he was superior.

Leeds found himself wondering exactly how much trouble he'd get into if he accidentally left the good doctor on this little primitive planet. It wouldn't be too hard to lie, considering the old "the aliens made me do it" was actually applicable in most situations on Atlantis, not to mention no one would ever know if his entire team backed him up. And the crowning glory to his plan, Operation: Leave No Man Except Kavanaugh Behind, was that no one would care too much if he mysteriously disappeared on an alien planet.

With a silly little smile, he dismissed those thoughts and solemnly watched as Kavanaugh joined them. Remembering his promise to Laura, who was his best friend, after all, and could easily kick his ass from here to the SGC and back, he wisely kept his mouth shut and turned his attention to the control room.

In said control room, Dr. Weir, Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay were having some sort of argument. This was really sort of an everyday thing. While Weir and Sheppard usually could come to some sort of an agreement, neither of them being particularly confrontational types, if one set the powerful personalities of Weir, Sheppard AND McKay and gave them something to fight over, it could be really dangerous.

Brian's heart went out to poor Chuck. He was literally stuck in the middle, unsure of what to do. His hand hovered over the DHD, and he patiently waited for someone to tell him what to do.

"What do you think they're arguing about?" Maddox asked casually.

Laura grinned. "I have ten bucks on McKay wants to come because he thinks we'll find a ZPM, and Sheppard and Weir are arguing with him because Weir doesn't want him to go because it's probably a waste of time, and Sheppard wants him to go because there's a big chance McKay could get very irritated with the natives."

Brian couldn't help but snort. "Minus ten points for you, captain. Unoriginality." He explained when she looked up at him, annoyed that he'd docked her 'Major Leeds Points'. It was his little system to show who he liked the most because of their current behavior and who really needed to step it up or he'd ask Ronon to give them specialized hand to hand fighting lessons.

Or, if one had to be specific, "How Ronon Will Kick the Crap Out of You in Forty-Three Different Ways" lessons.

Always exciting stuff.

"I think McKay asked Weir out on a date." Maddox was careful to make sure he was quiet, so no one would overhear their potentially insubordinate conversation. "And Sheppard is asking permission to string McKay up, but Weir doesn't think that's necessary. Or McKay's been taken over by an alien entity and Sheppard and Weir are arguing over what to do."

"What sort of alien entity?" Laura asked.

Maddox considered the question, and then smirked. "Not an alien entity at all. McKay was playing with an Ancient toy, and then Beckett came to see him, and so, Beckett's stuck in McKay's body, and McKay's stuck in Beckett's body."

Laura made a face; she certainly didn't want Rodney McKay in her boyfriend's body, even in their "What Are The Senior Staff Arguing About?" game. She'd already been stuck in McKay, and that was far from an enjoyable experience. Nah, what had been really fun was seeing him squirm for months and months after it. That had been great.

Finally, the argument died down – obviously, Weir had decided to stop the immature antics of her military commander and the head of science – and Dr. Weir gave the order to Chuck to dial the gate. The Canadian technician complied, and with one _WHOOSH_, Brian and company were ready to go.

"Good luck, Major Leeds." Dr. Weir said.

Brian nodded, and saluted to her and Colonel Sheppard. "We'll check in in twenty-four hours." He assured her, and then turned to his team. "Everyone ready?"

Cadman and Maddox, their earlier humor gone, nodded seriously. Together, they took point and stepped into the event horizon, their firearms up and ready to protect themselves and their team. Brian gestured for Lieutenant Henning and Kavanaugh to follow, and once those two were on the planet, he followed, his P-90 raised as well.

"Cadman, take our six. Maddox and Henning, stick with Kavanaugh, and I'll take point." He rattled off his orders with ease, having said similar things dozens of times before.

Major Leeds set off at a good pace. It wasn't too quick, because he didn't want to wear out Kavanaugh (he was being mercifully quiet for now, probably because he was sulking) and because he didn't want to have to change the pace if they came across difficult terrain.

Brian considered himself lucky as they were immersed into the forest that surrounded the Gate. All of the floral was blooming, and the birds were chirping happily, hardly noticing their new guests. While this planet was supposedly a few degrees hotter than Earth, it seemed to be relatively early in the day, so the sun hadn't started beating down on them, and the forest provided nice splashes of shade.

He held up a fist and stopped, turning his head left and right as he heard a noise emerging above the sounds of nature. He furrowed his eyebrows; okay, this was new. Humming? While he was no music buff, he could hear at least four different hummings, and there were both male and female voices. It seemed to be coming from the northwest, and while most would think it was prudent to hide and wait for the danger to pass, it wasn't the sound of guns shooting, so Leeds assumed he and his team were relatively safe.

As the sound drew nearer, from the foliage Brian and his team could begin spotting natives. All had ridiculously long hair and most had beautiful flowers decorating their 'dos. Even the men wore their hair down. The natives' clothing wasn't too different from the stereotype of your average backwater planet. The cloth was pretty bland; it mostly came in dark brown, tan or some muddled shade of red, and the men wore shirts and pants, and most of the women wore dresses, but some had pants as well. Wow. Women wore pants. This was getting more interesting than a regular mission already.

Haha. Not really.

The natives came even closer, and they noticed the intruders. A man with distinct red hair came forward, dressed in dark brown robes and he had some rather gorgeous pink flowers in the rat's nest that was his hair. Brian kept a straight face. He was, after all, a representative of Earth and was expected to act like one. He also didn't think Dr. Weir would find it funny if natives started chasing them because he was laughing at their customs.

"Welcome, strangers!" The man greeted them enthusiastically. "Have you come from the Ring of Glory?"

The words "glory" and "hole" came to mind, making it even more difficult for Brian to remain serious. He coughed into his elbow, and then nodded. "Yes, we have. We're explorers from a planet called Earth, and we love to meet new people."

The man, however, wasn't paying attention. Brian felt slighted, but his negative feelings turned to disgusted wonder when the native approached Kavanaugh of all people (or he might have just pretended to approach Kavanaugh to get a better glimpse of Cadman… Brian didn't blame the guy). Brian's thoughts were derailed when the native walked around Kavanaugh, and then started to touch the scientist's ponytail.

"Um, excuse me?" Kavanaugh whirled around and hit the native's hand away.

"I am so sorry, my lord!" The native threw himself at Kavanaugh's feet. "I was so… so… so bewildered that one of our own came through the Ring. I am overwhelmed with disbelief that our king was sent from another world!"

Brian marched right over there, eyebrows raised in incredulity. "Excuse me? Look, um, I don't know what your culture considers kingly, but he's a scientist…" The native cut him off.

"My king, please, surely you must keep your slaves under control. I know this from experience," The native said sagely. "But," He waved his hand, and the crowd of native people moved to one side, providing a path. "Come with us to our village, my king, and take up your rightful place!"

Maddox, who usually got on best with native people, stepped in. "Sir, I think you have him mistaken for someone else…"

Once more, the native cut him off violently. The native lashed out and backhanded Maddox who was sent backwards, sputtering. Laura helped Maddox regain his footing on the somewhat uneven ground. Cadman suddenly found the urge to shoot this native. Who was he to assume Kavanaugh was some sort of king, and then to also assume the rest of them were slaves?!

"Um, what's going on?" Kavanaugh asked, clearly confused.

The native smiled blithely. "Come with us to our village, where you will take the throne."

The scientist glanced around at his team, and his eyes settled on Major Leeds. The blonde soldier hadn't moved his hands from their position on his gun, and the major was glancing around, judging the skill of his team against the numbers they were faced with. Brian looked at Kavanaugh and nodded with a slight shrug. Kavanaugh took that to mean that he didn't know what to do, so they might as well go along with what the natives wanted, at least for now.

Kavanaugh also thought it might be interesting to be the king, and these soldiers were his slaves. He wasn't too much of a sadist, but this could get fun. For him, that is. He didn't suppose Leeds would think it was that funny after a while.

Once the head native man (whose name turned out to be Peram), Kavanaugh and the team reached the path to the village, heavy silence had fallen amongst the team. Poor Lieutenant Henning was more than horrified that he'd been taken captive on his first offworld mission. Brian assumed Chad was already assuming that he was a bad luck charm, and was currently swearing to never leave Lantia again, except to go back to Earth when the Daedalus came. Brian could tell Laura was, much as he was, wondering if Peram and his boys would check them, and if she could manage to keep some C4 to blow their way out of this situation. Maddox was solemn as usual, wondering if he could get Kavanaugh to let him speak, lowly slave as he apparently was, so he could explain the confusion to the natives, and maybe jump start some diplomatic relations.

Brian, on the other hand, was feeling a little down. The other two times he'd been captured had been with Major Lorne (God bless his soul), and Lorne had always found a way out, and only one of those times had required Colonel Sheppard's team to come and rescue them. Now that he was leading his team, he really didn't know what to do. Worst of all, Kavanaugh was considered a king. Could this be any worse?

Actually, it could. McKay could be the one considered a king. With that thought in mind, Brian's mood was lightened, if only for the moment.

"So, what do they call you and your servants, my liege?" Peram asked, bowing deeply.

Despite the fact he was considered a slave, Brian moved around Kavanaugh to walk on Peram's other side. He prided himself on the marvelously straight face he kept as he answered that question. "I'm… Major… Jack O'Neill." He gave an innocent little cough as his eyes strayed to Laura.

Laura winked at him, and after that small facial movement, her face settled into an emotionless expression. "Captain Samantha Carter." She smiled politely.

Maddox couldn't wait to introduce himself. "Dr. Daniel Jackson." Yes, there was a little bit of a man crush involved in the lieutenant's exuberance, but not much. Well, not too much that it was indecent.

Brian couldn't help but smile pleasantly at the native, who seemed appalled that the slaves were speaking and the king of this entire world (apparently) didn't seem to care. "And this here," Brian set a hand on Kavanaugh's shoulder (whilst silently crying that he needed to wash his hands a million times). "Is Teal'c."

"… Indeed…" Kavanaugh agreed awkwardly.

Henning seemed far out of his element and he turned his head towards Laura. "Who am I, Vala?" He rolled his eyes, and reluctantly introduced himself as well. "The name's Cameron Mitchell, at your service."

The native nodded, brushing off this social faux pas, and then bowed diligently to his new king. "It is a great honor to know your name, King Teal'c." Peram didn't notice the grimace Kavanaugh made at the appellation. "Ah, here we are! Your kingdom!"

Honestly, Brian wasn't too impressed. It was a dinky little medieval village, with lots of mud, dirty peasants and livestock running around. Well, not really running around, but there was something like a pig being led around by two small boys, and Brian had this weird phobia about pigs. Anyway, the people seemed confused as to why the Ring of Glory group had come back so soon, but Peram took the liberty of relieving Kavanaugh of his hair tie, and when Kavanaugh's hair fell down past his shoulders in all of its bland brown glory, the people understood.

Peasants of all levels of cleanliness rushed over, their hair flying in the breeze, to greet their new king. Kavanaugh was pulled away, despite his and the team's protests (both to being separated and having their P-90s and smaller handguns taken away), to be taken into the main stone building that rose above all of the one-story houses and shops. It was something like a castle, only much, much smaller, but no one was in any way disappointed to see that there were still prison cells.

Nah, Brian thought, he could tell Cadman was a little disappointed.

"Why are we being put in here?" Cadman struggled against the man who was trying to force her into the cell first. "We're servants of your king!"

"Talking up in the presence of your master is a crime punishable by death. Considering your master is the king, we will let him decide what to do with you." The native explained, his eyes softening as he looked upon the beauty that was Laura Cadman. He obviously didn't really want to put her in a cell (he wanted her somewhere else, if you know what I mean), but he had his orders.

"Wait, stop." Peram appeared suddenly. "The lady comes with me."

"What?" Cadman asked, her struggling ceasing, not bothering to move her arms from the native's grasp.

"King Teal'c," Peram began with much pomposity. Brian knew Peram and Kavanaugh were going to get along famously. "Has said that the lady is his queen. I suspected as much."

"Yeah. Right." Henning muttered as he willingly walked into the cell, stepping around Laura. Brian mentally gave him ten points; the kid was catching on. Sometimes, it was better to just go into the cell without a fight. It really was.

Cadman refused to move and pulled her hands away from the native, who seemed like he wanted to get a little more grabby and looked at Brian. The major sighed and shrugged. "Go ahead… Sam…" He shrugged again. He leaned in closely, holding her elbow. "Get us out."

"Yes, sir." She smiled optimistically, and quietly said her goodbyes to Maddox and Henning before allowing Peram to pull her away.

The cell door was closed and locked, and the guards went away. Maddox distastefully kicked at the pile of hay they'd been given for a bed, and Henning glanced around awkwardly, looking a bit like he might have cried if he wasn't military. Brian, on the other hand, shook the cell bars slightly in frustration.

"Are you shitting me?" He muttered, kicking the bars. "This cannot be happening."

"Well," Henning piped up. "At least they didn't take our vests away. We have some real food," He pulled out a Power Bar to illustrate. "And some C4 if things get really hairy." He patted his vest, and then paled slightly. "On second thought, never mind, I don't."

Brian and Keegan both searched their own vests and found the crummy natives had taken away their C4 as well. Keegan huffed, and sat down to eat a chocolate Power Bar. That was one of the only things that could calm him down and give him the peace of mind to think of ideas. Brian started to pace, slowly meandering from one wall to the other.

Their cell was relatively large, thirty feet by fifteen feet, and it was probably one reserved for larger groups that weren't necessary to separate. There was some (hopefully) fresh hay piled in a corner that could make a slightly comfortable bed. It would probably have been even more comfortable if Brian's eyes weren't suddenly starting to water, and he remembered he had a slight allergy to hay-like things. Great. Just great.

"Kavanaugh and Cadman better get our asses out of here or someone's gonna pay." Brian muttered hatefully.

Henning looked at his commanding officer hopefully. "They'll get us out, right?"

With the way Brian looked at him, Henning suddenly realized it was Dr. Calvin Kavanaugh he was talking about, and he began to have seriously doubts, considering Dr. Kavanaugh was possibly the most arrogant, self-absorbed man he had ever met. He was worse than McKay because there was a small, teeny, little sliver of the Canadian that hinted at a good man.

All three men settled into their prison cell. There wasn't much else they could do, after all. Being a prisoner kinda sucked that way.

"At least we haven't been captured by the Wraith." Maddox offered.

"Maddox?" Brian looked over to his comrade.

"Yes, sir?" Keegan acknowledged his superior.

"Shut up."

"Yes, sir." He mumbled, rolling his eyes.

Yeah, until they busted out of this joint, this was really going to suck.


	3. Yeah, We're Gonna Burn You Alive

**Disclaimer: I'm hardly intelligent enough to create something as brilliant as SGA.**

Despite how awkward this whole being-King-Teal'c thing was, Kavanaugh was starting to enjoy it. He knew he shouldn't, and he knew that he should be definitely more focused on getting himself, Captain Cadman and the rest of the team out of this situation, and he knew he should feel bad for enjoying the attention…. But he didn't.

Peram and company were showering him with kingly gifts and kingly clothing and a lot of other kingly things. He had been shown to some very lavish quarters (very expansive too, but there was a see-through curtain in the middle of the room, and on the other side was the queen's quarters… Kavanaugh felt slightly awkward at that thought), and now, he was being treated to a surprisingly delicious banquet after being dressed in his dark blue royal clothes.

He felt the sting of spite as he thought of Major Leeds who had, in his grandiloquent fashion that was reminiscent of Dr. McKay, told him horror stories of his time on Major Lorne's team and how, when a native offers you food and drink, you politely tell them that you've recently gotten over a demon in the stomach and eat only the food your shaman gave you to eat. But, in Major Leeds' defense, there HAD been a rather amusing story of when Major Lorne's infamous iron stomach had failed him, and he had spent half the night puking his guts out, several yards away from the village.

However, as Calvin Kavanaugh blatantly ignored the warnings he had been given, he was pleasantly surprised to find that this food was not only edible, it was delicious. There was some sort of beef or pork-like meat, and some delightful juice (at least he was really hoping it was juice; if he was these people's king, he didn't want to get too drunk), and some alien vegetables that tasted a bit like teriyaki tofu.

Kavanaugh was halfway through his third cup of juice when the door opened and Peram ushered in Captain Laura Cadman (alias Captain Samantha Carter) who looked like she had just swallowed a lemon. The poor girl did not look too happy to be garbed in some sort of dark blue dress that was more elaborate than anything Kavanaugh had ever seen. He didn't give her a look of pity, though, as she sat down and food was placed in front of her by a few servants.

"Where are the others?" Kavanaugh hissed out of the side of his mouth, keeping his eyes on Peram.

Laura shot him a dirty look. "In prison!" She tightly gripped her fork, hoping she could control herself long enough until Kavanaugh left so she wouldn't have to stab him with the dull wood. Oh, it would take a while and would probably be very painful for him, but she was so angry she would take the time to stab him to death with the fork she was holding.

"That's hardly my fault!" His voice had risen slightly, but when Peram stepped forward curiously, he lowered it. "I can't really do anything here."

"You're the fucking king, Kavanaugh!" Laura stabbed a vegetable and shoved it into her mouth. "Tell them I need attendants or some other crap like that! Crap like that ALWAYS works!"

"Tried that." He lied. Give the man some credit; he was finally in a position of power above those he despised. No one could be expected to just rush to the aide of someone they hate. "It's inappropriate for women to have male attendants." Again, another lie. "And apparently, Peram's my fanboy." He drawled, disgusted.

"King Teal'c, is there any problem?" Peram asked, having heard his name uttered by the mouth of his sovereign.

Kavanaugh looked a bit like a fearful little bunny rabbit about to be consumed by a Sasquatch, and then he turned to his native servant. He shook his head, plastering a smile on his face. "No, no, Peram. In fact," He gave Laura a little glare. "I think it's time for the queen to retire. We're both very exhausted from our trip through the Ring of Glory. Would you find some ladies to escort the queen to her rooms?"

Before Laura stood up, she moved her hand underneath the table and with a flick of her wrist, the fork in her hand was sent towards a _very_ sensitive area on Kavanaugh at a very high velocity. Glaring, she stood up and stormed out of the door. Well, if that little bugger wasn't going to do anything, then she bloody well was!

The only problem was that she heard a few maids talking about how the new prisoners were going to be taken to the gold mines. One of them even professed a crush on the one named Jack O'Neill. There was seriously something about that name. People just fell in love with anyone who called themselves that. Laura rolled her eyes. Honestly, that was the only way Brian was ever getting any chicks.

Though that thought was deprecating towards her friend, it was a normal sort of comment she would make towards him. It was just familiar enough that it helped settle her mind and she could take stock of the situation. Three of her comrades were in prison and were taken to an undisclosed location to mine gold. If there was one thing she could count on, it was that the working conditions probably weren't up to par with the union. To make things better, she was a queen in a patriarchal society, and the king of that society was Dr. Calvin Kavanaugh.

"Bloody hell…" Laura muttered underneath her breath as the matron who had been assigned to her went up a flight of stairs.

The woman turned around. "Are you well, Queen Captain Samantha?" She asked, curtsying quite properly.

Cadman sighed and shook her head. "It's nothing. The _**king**_," She drawled distastefully. "And I had a small disagreement." She didn't elaborate, her brow tightening in anger as she thought of Kavanaugh's idiotic pomposity. She wasn't stupid. She knew very well he was enjoying being king of some stupid little planet, and wasn't too keen on saving their team. It was probably going to be up to her to light a fire under Kavvy's ass. She grit her teeth. She was already looking forward to the next days.

The matron didn't ask for more information. Instead, she curtsied like the opinionless servant she was forced to be, and continued up the staircase. Laura didn't speak further, and she memorized the route she had taken from the small dining hall to the stairs, and up into the second level. She took notice of anything she might be able to use as a weapon, considering her P-90 had been rudely snatched by that servant who had a tiny crushlet on her. She knew her utility vest was somewhere in her new chambers, and she had Power Bars, a Swiss Army knife, a note from Carson that she hadn't read yet (the sweetheart always wrote her a little love note and put it in her vest when she was going to be away for more than one day), and a life signs detector.

Laura was so wrapped up in her planning that she didn't even really notice when the matron left her in the queen's chambers. Sick of the dress she was wearing (she loved dresses, but she was offworld), Laura quickly changed back into her BDUs, which had been nicely folded in the small armoire in the corner. She tied her hair into a bun at the top of her head as she began to think, plopping herself on the bed she thankfully didn't have to share with Kavanaugh.

Okay, the circumstances were just messed up. She was separated from her team, and the only one with any real power to change the game was Kavanaugh. So, the whole rely-on-Kavanaugh-to-save-the-day deal wasn't going to pan out. Cadman needed to make some secondary plans.

"Okay," Laura muttered, keeping her voice low in case any guards were posted outside of her door. "Leeds, Maddox and Henning are prisoners and may or may not be working in a gold mine. I do not know where that gold mine is. Kavanaugh is king, but Kavanaugh's a bugger," She clenched her fists. "So there's little hope that he'll do anything."

"So…" She trailed off, searching her mind for any possible solutions. "Plan A. I sneak out when Kavanaugh and the fan club are off doing kingly things, and steal some C4. I blow the major out of the cell and we leave Kavanaugh behind, only to later send Sheppard's team to do the dirty work and extract him."

Laura shook her head. That was too ideal. It wouldn't work. "Okay, Plan B. Uh…" She felt the insane urge to rip down the stupid curtain that was between her and the "king's" chambers. It was annoying and she was pissed off. However, she calmed herself, as getting frustrated would get her nowhere. She had to focus on doing something. "Plan B." She reminded herself. "You know what? Plan A is just going to have to work because I'm not spending any more time coming up with stupid bloody plans."

Her ire slowly faded, and after a few moments, Laura felt incredibly small and alone. She fished Carson's note from the pocket of her vest and she turned onto her back to read it. A tiny smile formed on her face as she heard her boyfriend's adorable voice as she read his words. His voice brought her immeasurable comfort, and when she kicked her combat boots off, she was filled with new determination to get home, despite what Kavanaugh thought he deserved.

Kavanaugh as king, haha. Laura snorted as she turned over onto her stomach and curled up in the blankets. It was far from night time, but she might as well turn in now so she'd wake up when it was dark. Then, she could set her plan into motion and get the heck off this planet.

**XXX**

"I really hate this."

"I know, Major."

"No, Maddox, I really, really hate this."

"I know." The lieutenant said once again, his voice indulgent and placating.

"I can't be held responsible for my actions when we next feast our eyes on the illustrious King Teal'c."

"I know, sir." Maddox wiped away some sweat from his forehead before swinging his pickax.

"Maddox, shut up if you can't find anything else to say." Leeds grit his teeth and swung at the wall of rock, pretending it was Kavanaugh's face.

"Yes, sir." Maddox smirked to himself.

The mines were a terrible place to work, Brian thought. He also didn't understand why they were mining for gold when there was a disgustingly obvious, insanely huge strand of naquadah mere yards from where the Atlantians were digging. As he pondered this, he began to realize that his shoulder was starting to burn, and one particularly powerful swing at the rock wall caused him to let out a cry and he dropped the pickax.

Immediately, Chad was at Brian's side and Maddox continued to work, using his muscular form to shield his teammates. Brian muttered something about his shoulder and burns, and Chad pulled up his commanding officer's plain black shirt. Leeds' back was covered with dark brown, ugly scars. One couldn't see any pale skin that belonged to the American; it was all scar tissue. Chad remembered hearing something about how Brian had tackled Laura to protect her from an explosion in the defense of Atlantis, and so he could only assume Brian's shoulder muscles weren't completely up to par.

"How long has it been since you were injured, sir?" Chad asked quietly, keeping his voice under the dull roar of the other workers' conversations.

"Doctor Beckett cleared me for duty two weeks ago, so about seven months since the explosion." He explained. "Did I rip anything open?" He asked in a serious tone that made Chad wonder if the major had gotten over the explosion quite yet.

Chad shook his head. "No, sir. Your muscles probably aren't up to this kind of work yet and you probably pulled your shoulder. I'll check to see if you dislocated your arm or something." A quick examination proved that he hadn't done anything too bad, and Chad stood up, Brian following shortly after.

"Thanks, Henning." Brian grinned weakly, his shoulder obviously paining him. "Plus ten for you."

Chad grinned as Maddox groaned slightly. "Are you kidding me?" Maddox asked. "I didn't get any points for at least two months." He complained.

"Well, naturally." Brian grinned at his friends as he picked up his pickax and started to work again. Gritting his teeth helped to regulate the pain, and thinking evil thoughts about Kavanaugh really started to help. "I happen to like Lieutenant Henning much better than you."

Maddox smirked slightly, and Chad looked embarrassed. Brian was already making plans to break in his newbie when they got back to Atlantis. When. Not if. He didn't allow himself to think of failure. Either he would get himself, Maddox and Henning out and return for Cadman and Kavanaugh at a later date, or he would wait on Laura to work a miracle.

Maybe it was his Laura senses going haywire on him, but Brian had a feeling that Laura would think of something. She was brilliant, after all, and he trusted her. With a sigh, he decided he was going to trust her to think of something, or convince Kavanaugh to do the right thing.

Haha. Like that was going to happen.

Yeah, Laura was going to have to do something fast, because as he heard people scream and a nearby tunnel collapse, he knew he didn't want to be in here for long.

**XXX**

As Kavanaugh was indulging himself in the local cuisine and desserts, several dignified looking men came and joined him at his table. They didn't partake of any of the food in front of them, but watched him carefully until their new king was done eating. With their intense stares, Calvin found himself lacking the appetite he had had moments before and pushed away his plate in a signal that he was full. Servants came bustling towards him, picking up his plate and taking away the dishes. Within a few seconds, everything that was on the table was gone, and he could actually see the rich, dark wood.

With the way these men stared at him, Kavanaugh was really starting to wish he hadn't pissed Cadman off. He could use her in a situation like this. She knew how to talk to people, even if she was annoying and thought she was superior.

"Um, hello, gentlemen. How may I help you?" Kavanaugh was really starting to like Peram's sucking up style of service than this intensity. Would he really have to do any politicking? He really didn't want to. That was Weir's stuff. He was a scientist… maybe he could distract them with great ideas for inventions! They looked like they could use some sanitary indoor plumbing…

"King Teal'c," One of the men spoke up. "We are your trusted cabinet. It is our function to inform you of all the duties you must perform in your term as king, and advise you on the best way to go about them."

Kavanaugh digested this information, and then nodded. "Please elaborate." He ordered in his best commanding voice.

He'd never admit it, but he was imitating Weir to the best of his ability to gain some semblance of confidence.

"As you know, you are not only the king, but our spiritual leader, and it is your hair that will save your queen from the spiritual fires, though she will burn in the physical fires." The man intoned solemnly, and all of the king's cabinet bowed their heads in respect for the absent queen who would be burnt to pave all of their ways to Heaven.

"What?" Kavanaugh spat out. What did they mean they were going to burn Laura?!

The man looked up, confused. "When a king chooses his queen, he picks the most beautiful and virginal of women, so her purity will bring us all one step closer to the gates of Heaven." He said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "And after she is gone, you will join her, as one's wife is one's ticket to Heaven. If one has a pure, honest, proper wife, he has done well in his life and may be permitted to join the angels."

Well, Kavanaugh mused cynically, the medieval ages weren't known as the Dark Ages because it was dark, after all.

"Like hell you're going to sacrifice me and Lau… Sam for your petty religious beliefs. I'm sorry," Obviously, he really wasn't. "But that is absolutely unacceptable. As king, I forbid it."

The men chuckled appreciatively. "Oh, my lord, you are too humorous." Another man spoke up. "Your hilarity is much cherished in these dark times."

"Humor?" Kavanaugh asked, his voice carrying a mocking laugh. "I'm not joking around, I don't plan on getting burnt to death. To be honest, I'm not planning on dying any time." He giggled awkwardly as he stood up. "You know, gentlemen, I've had a long, exhausting day of travel. How about we… um, discuss this tomorrow? And I will bring my… er, wife." He stumbled over the last sentence and fled the room, quickly followed by Peram, who was rushing to keep up, nearly falling over his own robes, and calling his king's name.

Kavanaugh finally stopped when he reached the staircase. "What do you want?" He snapped, rolling his eyes.

Peram was out of breath and he pressed a hand to his chest. "King Teal'c, you cannot simply deny your own spiritual beliefs! When one's blessed hair grows as yours does, there is no other path for you! You must burn in the fire, as your soul burns in your chest! It is the only way any of us can be saved!"

"You know what…" Kavanaugh straightened himself up haughtily, relishing in the fact he was at least six inches taller than his servant. "I am king. Do not forget that fact. I am your king, and your spiritual ruler… apparently." The last word was muttered underneath his breath. "My word is law. Right? Right?!" He glared at Peram who spluttered awkwardly, not knowing what to say to his liege who was proposing to break all spiritual tradition.

"Of course, my lord." Peram backed away, bent double in a bow. "Please, I will leave you to your rest and your wife."

Kavanaugh shuddered at the thought of Laura being his wife as he ascended the stairs, remembering the way to his new bedroom. He didn't think he could handle that harpy. He didn't understand how Dr. Beckett, the only Atlantian Kavanaugh really liked, could stand such a woman. The doctor was always kind to everyone, whereas Cadman always seemed to have a glare and a derogatory comment for everyone.

He entered the room, and saw Laura was already asleep. He smirked, feeling quite put out when he realized he didn't have a Sharpee, and therefore, couldn't draw on her face. Yeah, that would give her brownie points when they faced the crazy religious idiots tomorrow.

It was going to be a long day.

Oh, and Kavanaugh tried not to think about Brian, Keegan and Chad, all of whom were probably slaving away somewhere. It gave him an odd feeling in his gut. Not that he was feeling guilty. That was just a stupid idea. Hah. Him feeling guilty. Whatever.


	4. Freak Out the Newbie: Prison Style

**Disclaimer: You can easily tell what's not mine.**

Well, Brian thought as he, Maddox and Henning tiredly limped towards the houses that had been hastily erected near the mine for the workers, it could be worse, he decided. They could be back in their cell.

But, as it turned out, the houses weren't much better. There were twenty men cramped into one tiny room, and all of these men had just come from working in a mine. Therefore, there was no shortage of body odor. It would have bothered most people, but these three men were soldiers. They'd lived in many a gross barrack. So, all was relatively well.

Except for the, you know, captivity thing.

Maddox, having been captive by primitive people a couple of times himself, secured a corner for his team. Brian nodded to him gratefully, and collapsed directly in the corner. Henning flopped down at his left, Maddox at the major's right. Brian let his eyes fall shut, far too exhausted and in pain to really do much planning for their escape. He didn't even feel like he could stand up and run twenty feet, much less run several miles from their current position to the Stargate.

"You okay, sir?" Henning asked.

"Don't worry, Lieutenant."

Brian knew he hadn't answered Chad's question. It had really been his fault. His pulled shoulder muscle had progressively gotten worse over the five hours they were in the mines. He had known Sheppard had put him and his team on nice little meet and greets with primitive natives for a reason; Brian was well enough to be out on the field, but nowhere near up to par for running from the Wraith types of missions, not to mention the burns in his shoulders and down across his back were the worst ones. He had been grateful for a reprieve in that sort of fear and work, but of course, the one mission he really doesn't expect anything to happen, it does.

Damn Murphy's Law.

Keegan Maddox had worked with Brian for a long time, and therefore, knew his friend relatively well. If there was one thing that made the man just so gosh darn jolly, it was messing with a new recruit. Keegan, therefore, leaned back, threading his fingers behind his head, and did his best to relax.

"So, Major, you think this is what prison is like?" He asked randomly, his tone casual.

Brian's lips quirked into a smirk, but he relaxed, out of need to do this "Freak Out The Newbie" thing right. "Well, I've never actually been in prison, but I assume that, yeah, this is probably what it's like." He shrugged slightly.

Maddox nodded. "Yeah. You know, if a dude was stuck here for a long time… I don't know, a man could go kind of crazy without a girl for so long." He closed his eyes, biting down on his tongue as he heard Chad shift fearfully.

"Well, isn't that… come on, that's just… unrealistic, right?" Henning asked, his voice distinctly squeakier than it had been during the day.

Brian's smile was the epitome of both innocence and a placating nature. "Of course we're just messing with you. And I swear, the fact that that guy's," He pointed to a rather large man who looked like a stereotypical prisoner. "Name is Bubba is just a really bad coincidence. Don't worry, Henning, I won't let them turn you into their bitch."

"What?" Chad yelped.

Maddox didn't look so convinced. "Well, sir, I'm not sure there's much you can do. I mean, he is the weakest and the smallest out of all of these dudes. I'm sure you and me are okay, Major, but Henning here…"

Chad swallowed and laughed nervously. "You guys are just messing with me, right?"

Brian furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Maddox, who shrugged. "… Yeah, we're just messing with you…"

Keegan coughed innocently. "Yeah…"

Chad suddenly scooted closer to Leeds, all the while attempting to look as though it was a natural motion. Not to mention the fact he seized up when the closest man to him turned and looked especially forbidding. Brian would have shook the man's hand, had that man not been an alien, probably wouldn't have understood the gesture, and then tried to kill him.

All in all, Brian was planning on sticking with his two men until they could bust out of here.

"What are we gonna do, sir?" Keegan finally asked, after the amusement of the moment had passed and the other men in the room had found patches of the floor to sleep on. Maddox rested a hand against his stomach when he felt it growling. Chad surreptitiously passed him a Power Bar so none of the other "inmates" would get jealous.

Brian shook his head and took a Power Bar from Chad as well. He took a large bite and went over possibilities in his mind. He couldn't very well just say 'I don't know' considering he was the leader and… well, let's face it, he didn't want to admit he didn't know what to do. Instead, he cleared his throat quietly. It was a nervous habit.

"In about," He checked his watch. "Six hours, Campbell's gonna dial the Gate and call over the radio to us, asking us why we haven't checked in yet. When he doesn't get an answer, Dr. Weir is going to send out a team to find out what's happened. All we have to do is hold out until then. If Laura can get Kavanaugh to work with her…"

"You mean threaten him into submission." Chad interrupted.

Brian and Keegan looked at him incredulously, and he was about to apologize when the two veteran soldiers dramatically began to applaud (albeit quietly). He grinned, embarrassed.

Brian smirked as he continued. "Yes, that. She might be able to convince him to talk to the natives to let us all go because this was some huge misunderstanding."

"Yeah," Keegan agreed. "Everything's going to turn out fine."

The other two men nodded and agreed. Chad yawned and rolled his shoulders. "Well, we should probably get some sleep. Today was exhausting, and getting our asses out of here is going to take a lot of energy."

"I like the way you think, Henning." Keegan grinned, and then pulled his baseball style cap down over his eyes.

With that comment, all three Atlantians slowly fell asleep, safe in the knowledge that their people would come for them, or their teammates would do the right thing and save them all.

Too bad they didn't know about how the two people who might be able to save them were going to be barbequed sometime relatively soon. That might have put a damper on their hopes.

**XXX**

As the sunlight began to fade into darkness, Kavanaugh jerked himself awake, only to realize that he had unwittingly fallen asleep. He had meant to only rest his eyes for a few moments, and had slept for… four hours?! He huffed in frustration. One could never know what the proper treatment of a king was. Someone might have come and tried to molest him in his sleep.

Kavanaugh shuddered. That would have been beyond disturbing.

He sat up on the bed and went over the events of the last few hours that he had been awake. He had become king of a primitive planet and had been appropriately showered with gifts, new clothes, great food, and he was pretty sure he'd be given concubines or women would be throwing themselves at him soon enough. Then there was the whole going-to-be-burned-alive dealio.

You know, come to think of it, it sort of reminded Kavanaugh of all of the things various staff members did whenever the Daedalus brought a shipment of new recruits. Chuck Campbell the computer technician always got a great laugh from running the recruits through all of the various alarms, so they would be familiar with what to do in each situation, and then "accidentally" pressing on his joke alarm which, according to their training, made all of the recruits reluctantly hop like bunnies back to their quarters.

Colonel Sheppard tried to make all of the recruits learn how to play golf, and see if he could dupe the ones that didn't want to learn into cleaning the toilets for a month each. He usually succeeded with a few until a pitying scientist broke the news to the recruits: learning to play golf is not an official duty and Sheppard isn't allowed to enslave people because of it.

Oh, and then there was the kitchen staff's inside joke to tell the recruits that if they ate only Power Bars, the Wraith wouldn't feed on them. No one REALLY believed that one, but there was always a decided lack of Power Bars during the first few weeks of a recruit's term in Atlantis.

With all of those pranks Kavanaugh had seen, he was sure this was just one of the ones the entire kingdom played on their new ruler, just to have a personal laugh. It was completely believable, and with that idea in mind, the chains of fear that had wrapped themselves around Kavanaugh's chest loosened and he couldn't help but grin to himself.

Whoo-we, it was great to get that weight off of his shoulders.

Now he could focus on basking in his newly-found kingliness. Not that he was going to stay for more than a few days, just long enough to let the others suffer a little bit and prove that he was really the one with the power and the one in charge. And then when they went back to Atlantis and everyone was indebted to him for saving their asses, Weir couldn't say anything about him being self-important because he'd _**saved**_ his entire team.

Hah! In her face!

Anyway…

Finding himself incredibly bored and quite King-ish, Kavanaugh decided there was nothing else he could really do except wake up Laura. Well, first, he changed back into his BDUs like his female companion had done before sleeping. He didn't look as regal as he had, but he was grateful to find he HAD packed another hair tie and pulled his apparently praiseworthy hair into his usual ponytail after he had combed it out with his fingers.

"Cadman!" He whispered loudly. "Get up!"

"Mmmm…" Laura murmured as she turned over, pulling the blankets over her head. "I dun wanna get up…" Here, she yawned and burrowed her face into her pillow. "Tell Sheppard he can shove it." She sleepily ordered.

"Cadman, get up!" Kavanaugh fairly shouted.

His adamant tone caused Laura to shoot up into a sitting position, and then twist her head this way and that until she spotted Kavanaugh in the fading light. She glared, and then stood up and walked over to the curtain. By the time she stopped in front of the taller scientist, she was both completely awake (gift of being on the field in the military) and much more pleasant.

"Yes, my lord, Teal'c?" She bowed mockingly, with a joking smirk.

He huffed and rolled his eyes at her juvenile behavior. "Cadman, I think it would be in our best interests to just play along with the natives for a little bit."

Laura's good mood disappeared immediately. From most other people, she would have believed that person had their best interests in mind so they didn't piss off the natives with any sudden moves or news. But from Kavanaugh, the very idea just made her want to strangle him. She knew he was still sulking from when Weir had embarrassed him (oh, Carson had so many great stories) and he wanted to be a king. Stupid ponytailed idiot. He just wanted to feel like a king, and have every single person cater to his every whim and hang on to his every word. He was really a petty, arrogant person. He really was.

Her eyes narrowed and flashed angrily. "Absolutely not. You are going to order your **subjects** to bring Major Leeds, and Lieutenant Maddox and Lieutenant Henning back here, and then we are all leaving immediately and going back to Atlantis. Then, we'll send another team to start diplomatic relations. And then YOU are going to explain to Dr. Weir and Colonel Sheppard why this entire thing happened: because you are a complete idiot!" She ranted, resisting the urge to shove him or stab him with her Swiss Army knife.

There's an idea.

The sadistic portion of Laura's soul smirked.

"An idiot?" Kavanaugh scoffed with a hearty, juvenile roll of his eyes. "Captain Cadman, I am the last person who would wish to delay us, but this could be an important step in their diplomatic process; a test, if you will, to see which new peoples will be best to trade with."

"Oh, yes, I agree with you, Dr. Kavanaugh." Laura drawled sarcastically. "Because you're the prime subject for any sort of personality test."

"What was that?" He asked indignantly. "Look, captain, I know you have your little military stereotypes and prejudices, but not all scientists need a babysitter when offworld."

"Oh, I completely agree." Laura deadpanned. "Not all of them. Just you."

"I think you've forgotten that here, I'm the king. If you don't show a little bit more respect, Cadman, I could very well send you back to prison with your military buddies." He threatened, glaring at her.

Laura paused for a split second, and then realized that, oh yeah, she didn't care to spend another minute in Kavanaugh's presence. So she decided it would be a lot more amusing to see how far she could push him, and to see if he'd really get pissed enough to send her to jail. Not only would that be hilarious to piss him off badly, and she'd rather be with Major Leeds and the others than having to make plans with the biggest egomaniac that had ever been born on the face of the planet Earth.

With her new plan in mind, she struck a sassy, irreverent pose, her hip cocked out. "Yeah, you may be their king, but once they realize that you're the biggest asshole they've ever met, they'll quickly change their mind and dial up the first uninhabited planet they can think of and just toss you onto the other side." She smiled sweetly. "Anyway, here's the thing. I'd rather be in prison with my 'military buddies'," Can anyone else sense the air quotes? "Than stuck in this hellhole with you."

Kavanaugh was shell-shocked by her blatant… honestly, he didn't even know what to CALL what she had just said to him. He was used to muttered comments from his research team and random recruits who had probably heard horror stories about him, but he wasn't used to someone being very rude and shoving their rudeness into his face.

His speechlessness soon faded and he sneered at her. "You know, I may be an asshole, but at least I don't sleep with my team commanding officer to get brownie points, and at least I don't whore myself out to get special treatment."

"You know?" Laura's voice was frighteningly calm and level. "You are a real piece of work, Kavanaugh. I have never met someone so utterly conceited and self-absorbed, who would rather be king of this primitive town than get back to safety. You know, there are really some times, like right now, actually, where I wish I could just serve you on a fucking silver platter to the Wraith." Normally, Laura wasn't a woman who swore or insulted people for fun. But one of her best friends and two of her comrades were in prison or were forced into slave labor somewhere.

One could understand her frustration.

"Better the Wraith than a mindless harpy like you." He snapped in return.

Laura laughed derisively. "Go to hell, Kavanaugh." She turned away and pulled her vest on. She shoved her feet into her combat boots, angrily tying up the laces. She wasn't going to spend another minute in his aggravating, idiotic presence. She didn't know why she hadn't gone to Sheppard to beg to have Kavanaugh off of the team. Why couldn't they have borrowed McKay, or even Zelenka? To be honest, Laura had a teensy crushlet on the Czech scientist. What? He was adorable, and he was always sweet to everyone.

Hehe. Don't tell Carson.

"Oh, no, you're not leaving me here!" He stated.

"Yeah, and you're going to stop me?" Laura shot over her shoulder as she pulled out her Swiss Army knife. She didn't plan on stabbing anyone, but if anyone got in her way, her priorities were firmly on getting herself and her team out of this whacked out situation.

"No, not really." Kavanaugh simpered, and then stuck his head out the door, speaking quietly to the two guards standing there.

"What the hell, Kavanaugh?" Laura shrieked as the two guards came into her side of the room and grabbed her by the arms.

The scientist smiled mockingly. "Well, now neither of us has to deal with the others. You're going to go join Major **O'Neill** and Lieutenants **Mitchell **and **Jackson**." He put emphasis on their names, ridiculing her as he did so.

Laura started shouting obscenities, probably waking up the entire castle as she was shoved down the stairs and through the hallways. The two guards tried to cover her mouth, but she fiercely bit their hands and kicked their shins and groins. They didn't like that. A strong hand went behind her head to press firmly in one spot that made her swear when she realized what he was doing.

Ronon had taught her several points on the neck that could knock a person out for ten minutes, and this dude had just hit one.

Darkness overtook her vision as she mumbled out one last Gaelic curse word.

**XXX**

Brian was immediately woken by the sound of the door to the room being swung open. The heavy oak door slammed against the wall, hitting a few inmates in the process. He was on his feet the moment he saw who the guards were bringing in. However, so were the rest of the inmates, excited by this new development.

"Laura!" He called over the catcalls of the other prisoners. "Maddox, Henning, on your feet!" He ordered in his best Major voice.

The other two men did as they were told and were at their commanding officer's back, shoving their way to the front of the room, swearing and cursing as they did so. The other inmates were getting a bit riled up, and Laura's angry shouts spurred her friends on until they were at her side. Brian pulled her close to his broad chest, an arm around her back as he spat obscenities at the prisoners. Maddox even got a nice fist to the face, which made Brian so proud of him. If he wasn't so intent on keeping the horny men away from Laura, he might have teared up a little bit. But only the smallest bit.

"Ewwwww!" Laura wiped off her BDUs, brushing off imaginary germs and dirt from her body. "God, if there was one thing I didn't sign up for when I came to the Pegasus galaxy, it was getting grabbed at by dozens of horny prisoners." Now situated between Brian and Chad, she was much more relaxed. "Thanks, guys." She smiled at the three men.

"No problem." Brian waved it off as he did the old "yawn and stretch" trick to put an arm around her shoulders, hoping it was a good enough warning to the other prisoners that she was his. Well, she wasn't really his, but she was his friend and a dude could dream, couldn't he? "I thought you might be more of a use to the rest of us if you hadn't just been molested or whatever." He shrugged.

Laura chuckled, but her laughter was cut off by Keegan's question: "Um, captain, why aren't you with Kavanaugh anymore?"

"Oh, him?" She asked. "Yeah, he's a dillweed and thought it would feed his ego if he threw me back with you guys."

Chad smiled half-heartedly. "Well, we're happy to have you."

Laura grinned at the new recruit. She gave him a friendly punch to the shoulder, and then settled against Brian to get some sleep. She was always pretty exhausted after a good shouting match, so her appetite for rest had returned. Besides, she found Brian's shoulder was always a pretty comfortable pillow, and his body temperature seemed to be a few degrees higher than most people's. That's why they were friends.

She eventually nodded off, grateful for her team surrounding her, protecting her from the other prisoners who might want to cop a feel and from fear of what would occur tomorrow.

But hey, nothing could be worse than being stuck with Kavanaugh, right?

… Right?!


	5. Pain In The Ass Prisoner

**Disclaimer: I disclaim appropriately.**

In an ideal world, Laura would have slowly awoken in the arms of her boyfriend, one Carson Beckett, and instead of an annoying alarm clock, the sexy voice of Michael Buble would rise from the warm air and slowly massage her awake and release her from the last vestiges of a distinctly wonderful dream. Then the delicious smell of bacon and eggs would waft into her nose and poke and prod her into full wakefulness.

But this isn't that story. Sorry.

In this story, Laura was rudely awoken by the wake-up yell from… well, it wouldn't have been so annoying if it had been a guard, getting them up to start working. That was just the stereotypical thing that would happen, but oh no, this was different. It wasn't a guard. It was another prisoner, who probably fancied himself superior to the rest (dillweeds were EVERYWHERE on this planet, dammit). She grumbled as she rubbed her eyes and gently woke Brian up by giving him a little shake. Seriously, that man could sleep through an alarm on Atlantis if he didn't have an earpiece (and didn't sleep with it on).

"Morning, Major," Laura, Keegan and Chad mumbled as Brian stood up and stretched, rubbing his shoulder where Laura had slept, and noticing thankfully that the shoulder that had been hurting the night before had dimmed down to a dull heat, but it was manageable.

Brian chuckled half-heartedly. "Good morning, mindless drones." He helped Chad to his feet as Laura had to nearly haul an unwilling Keegan into a standing position. "I want to know if they give us good breakfasts in this place. Any bets?" He asked his comrades as the door was opened by a disgruntled guard ("He probably didn't get some last night," was Chad's tentative, amused explanation) and the prisoners began to file out of the room. Almost like zombies.

Brian shuddered. **That's** the one thing that would make this whole thing worse.

"I've got…" Keegan quickly thought over the possessions he had that he was willing to gamble away. Realizing he didn't have any things he wanted to lose to one of his team members, he shrugged. "Ah, I've got ten bucks on some form of gruel. Maybe if we're lucky, it's soup."

Laura snorted, and it was in that split second that she realized how much she needed her team. She'd rather dig in with these guys when things got bad and they were captives in the worst possible conditions than be in the lap of luxury with some loser like Kavanaugh. She stifled her smile; she didn't want the guards to think she was happy.

"You're so unoriginal, Lieutenant." She gave him a tiny shove.

Keegan smirked. "And you're, what? Better? Please, illustrious Captain Laura Cadman, enlighten us with your brilliance that is, might I say, brighter than the sun itself, and more delicious than the idea of seeing Erika in a bikini!"

Brian titled his head to the side in confusion. He couldn't think of any Erikas… "Oh wait, is she that geologist you took to the annual beach barbecue?" He asked excitedly. "The one that kept playing beach volleyball? The one who you kissed?!"

"Yes, Major, yes she is." Keegan looked rather stupid with that silly grin on his face.

Brian grinned. "Nice, man!" And the two high fived. "She was really gorgeous… not to mention she was actually not an airhead." Keegan agreed, floating back into his fantasies of hot geologists and the ocean and hot geologists…

Laura rolled her eyes. Seriously, it wasn't like she fantasized about seeing Carson with his shirt off, or thought about those delightfully gentle hands ghosting over her skin… wait, wasn't she supposed to be enlightening her poor team members? She shook her head, pushing those thoughts away for a better time. But they were such **good** thoughts.

"I am simply going to go with…" She straightened herself up for dramatic effect, not even realizing that the prisoners behind her were staring at her like they could just eat her up for breakfast. Brian, upon noting this, casually stepped behind her and gave them a warning glare.

He may or may not have flexed his impressive muscles for intimidation factor.

"We'll get a hunk of bread," Laura continued. "And then we'll be sent to work our butts off."

"Nah," Even though this was Chad's first experience at being held captive, it was turning into something of a positive experience. Why wouldn't it be? No one was focusing on the negative side of their situation, acting as though they would simply be rescued sooner or later, and there was nothing, really, to worry about. Of course, he was still terrified, but he was really leaning on his superiors to distract him. "I think Maddox has got it right."

"Thank you, my man." Keegan held a hand up and Chad slightly awkwardly slapped his hand against his teammate's.

"Get a move on!" The same annoying prisoner who had yelled for everyone to get up was suddenly directly behind Brian.

Maybe it was how the annoying one just couldn't shut up or his particularly abrasive attitude, but something about him told Leeds that they were going to have a problem. Brian immediately paused in his walking (though they were in the middle of the crowded hallway, going down to the kitchen to get some form of breakfast) and turned around.

"Look here, buddy boy," Brian drew himself to his full height and squared his shoulders. Beside him, Maddox and Chad had done the same, if simply because they were channeling his confidence. "I don't know who you are, and frankly, I really don't give a fuck. I've had a lousy night's sleep, and if you continue to yell in my ear, I'm going to take your face and beat it into the ground."

Annoying Prisoner (as Laura had named him in her mind) sniffed, looking down his nose at Brian. He also happened to cast a long, lecherous look at Laura who was standing at Henning's side. Never one to be a wilting flower, she stood as tall as the boys. While she had appreciated the protection they had given her the night before, she knew she could take care of herself, not to mention probably beat any of the boys in hand to hand combat, and would willingly take this dude to task if he didn't just go away like a good little boy.

Eventually, Annoying Prisoner merely smirked and said, "You don't know who you're dealing with."

"I know." Brian sighed dramatically. "I already said that. I don't care. Just move along there, Sparky, and I think we'll all just get famously, eh?"

Annoying Prisoner scoffed and shoved past Brian, 'accidentally' shoving Maddox into the wall as he stormed ahead. The team glanced at one another. Yeah, this was definitely going to get interesting (and possibly violent) if they had to be near Annoying Prisoner for much longer. He was your textbook alpha male: too much testosterone, and was used to getting his way via his bulging muscles and intimidating stare (Laura could only assume no one had ever dared to give him sass before). Brian made a mental note to always stand between Loser Prisoner (his mental name for the man) and his team.

He wanted to get first punch, after all. He wasn't afraid to pull rank on the others, if he had to.

"Oh, and I think we have a winner!" Laura exclaimed as they entered the kitchen and smelled the universal smell of gruel.

"Thank you, thank you." Maddox posed and pretended to wipe away a tear as they stepped into the line.

They were each given a bowl of something particularly gloupy and disgusting. It was vaguely tan and brown colored, but there were also bits of green and pink, which was just never a good sign. Come to think of it, Brian didn't really want to know what was in gruel. It was probably just flour and water, maybe milk, if they were lucky, but he just didn't want to know. There were always bits floating around in these mystery mixes, and in this case (and in most cases, in the Pegasus galaxy), it was better to close your eyes, hold your nose and soldier through your meal.

"Have I ever expressed my emotions on the matter of alien prison food?" Maddox asked, his voice oddly calm as he stared down into his bowl.

Brian made a face, and then regarded his comrade. "Please, share with us." He invited with a graceful wave of his hand.

"Yeah, I hate my life. And my job." Keegan picked up the bowl, pinched his nose, and swallowed the entire bowl's contents in one go. He closed his eyes tightly. "Yeah, definitely sucks."

"I will never complain about MRE's again." Laura muttered as she "ate" her food.

Brian snickered. "That's what you always say, Laura."

"I have a question." Chad randomly said, obviously trying to put off the inevitable time when he too would eat the disgusting prison food.

"What's that, Lieutenant?" Keegan asked.

Henning scratched the back of his head. He hadn't looked up from his bowl yet, obviously too terrified to look away. Really, alien prison food was like a bad car wreck, or **that** scene from Brokeback Mountain. Honestly, you wanted to look away. You really and truly wished you could tear your eyes away, but you just couldn't. "Well," He started. "You don't really refer to each other formally, and sometimes you call each other by your first names. Isn't there, like, some detachment in a situation like this? I mean, shouldn't we be taking this a little bit more seriously?" His voice had turned distinctly squeaky-like towards the end of his stream of questions. What? He was twenty-one years old, and he had never thought he would be taken captive, and yet, his superiors were laughing, gambling and joking. WTF?!

The guys looked at Laura and she smiled. She put a hand on Chad's shoulder. "Look, Henning, we're just as scared as you are, but we know that wallowing in that fear isn't going to help anyone. When we're messing around and having a laugh, we're distracting ourselves and keeping morale up. We know that we have to get out, one way or another, but we also trust each other. I trust that Brian is a good enough leader to formulate a plan. I trust that Keegan can take orders, and I trust that you will follow our example until you're as comfortable as one can be."

Keegan nodded, agreeing. "As for the first name basis… we've been through all of the crap home base has gone through together. Cadman and I came through with the first shipment together; the major's been here since the beginning. I don't know how to explain it."

Brian ingested his food before looking at Chad. "See, Henning, here's the thing. When the Wraith are coming down on us and shooting the hell out of everybody, we have to make snap decisions. And sometimes those decisions get people killed. When you face that every day, you find something to get you through after the battle. We're friends, and we've decided that we can handle first names off duty. We need something to separate battle from the rest of our lives, otherwise we're not going to make it here. It's different for everyone, but that's what we as a team do."

Chad nodded, screwing up his face as he drank his breakfast. Brian laughed as Henning nearly brought that breakfast back up, and then quieted down when he saw Pain-In-The-Ass Prisoner looking his way. He sent a blank look back, and then faced his team.

"Well, I'm glad we got all of our emotional issues onto the table. If anyone needs any further counseling, please contact Kate Heightmeyer, as I don't give a crap." He grinned as Maddox rolled his eyes. He'd been doing that a lot lately, but that was the natural order of things. Brian was the goofball, getting everyone's minds off of their dismal fate. Laura was often his cohort in crime when it came to those things. Maddox pretended to be annoyed for effect (and sometimes actually was) and it was Chad's duty to soak up the lightheartedness and not feel as though his entire world was crumbling. Which it was. But he wasn't supposed to pay attention to that fact.

The team sat together quietly until a barked order was given, and the prisoners started on the short hike to the gold mines. Major Leeds gave a few orders, and he was taking point with Maddox and Cadman walking side by side with Henning watching all of their sixes. Brian didn't like having to keep someone by Laura all of the time, but she was the only woman within several miles, and he was determined to protect her from the whims of his gender. She could protect herself in a combat zone, but this wasn't the kind of battle she was used to.

Normally, guys weren't trying to cop a feel left and right. And while Maddox was probably thinking about it (who wouldn't be?), he didn't want to get a "friendly suggestion" to take "fighting lessons" from Ronon.

Never good.

Keegan sighed, as he knew they were up for another jolly fun day in the mines. He hoped Chuck had realized that there was something fishy going on and had told Dr. Weir about it. Not that he had any real doubts on the matter. Keegan had been awesomely inducted into Chuck's Gossip Circle (that wasn't what it was called, but it made Chuck seem gayer, which made it much more funny for the lieutenant), and had therefore chilled with the Canadian. Chuck was one of the most intelligent people he had ever met.

It didn't take someone with more than three brain cells to realize that someone missing a check in was bad news, especially in the Pegasus.

So, from what Keegan knew of Atlantis policy, Weir and Sheppard were collaborating to figure out the best course of action. Weir would probably try to find the most diplomatic possibility, and Sheppard would pick the obvious (run in, guns blazing, etc, etc) and the two would find the best possible compromise of diplomacy and… guns blazing.

But above all things, Keegan trusted Colonel Sheppard and Dr. Weir more than he'd trusted anyone in his entire life. He knew they would send people to get them. He knew it. There just wasn't another sort of option.

Keegan just hoped the cavalry would come soon because he really didn't want to spend another day mining for gold. Lame.

All four members of the team had settled into an easy pace of beating their pickaxes against the wall and extracting slabs of rock with gold sparklies, all the while laughing, joking, singing prison spirituals (Keegan), and when their souls were down, a steady repeating of the Air Force Code kept their spirits strong. And compared to basic training and all of the work that went with the Air Force Academy, this was a day at the beach. But just as the skinny little water bearer dude had come to their neighborhood (actually, right up to Brian), Pain-In-The-Ass Prisoner thought it would be fun to throw around his weight and drum up some fun, since he was probably pretty pissed that the ones who had sassed him off were pretending to have fun.

Annoying Prisoner went directly up to Brian and smacked the water boy so the gourd filled with water splashed all over the rocky ground. He then proceeded to take a swing at Brian, who ducked. The other three knew better than to get involved, but when Annoying Prisoner decided that Brian wasn't worth the effort because he kept being annoying and **dodging**, and swung at Maddox, spitting obscenities in his native tongue, Brian took serious action.

Major Leeds swiftly dealt a blow to the back of Annoying Prisoner's legs when Laura distracted the prisoner by punching him in the face, forcing him to his knees. Then, he elbowed the back of the other man's head, and then caught Annoying Prisoner's left arm and drew it behind his back and forced the elbow upwards, causing great pain and made it impossible for Annoying Prisoner to get out of his hold.

"Attack me; fine. I get it. But the minute you try and hurt one of my people, your ass is mine." He hissed darkly into the prisoner's ear. "Got it?"

"Whatever." The prisoner scoffed as he shoved Brian away, once the blond had released his arm.

Brian crossed his arms over his chest, looking the prisoner up and down. This seemed to be an interesting situation. He'd been in a lot of weird places and seen a lot of weird customs, but never had some prisoner with a grudge ever tried to beat him up. He supposed Pain-In-The-Ass Prisoner was threatened by his presence, simply because he commanded three other people, and they followed him without question, and Pain-In-The-Ass had to work and beat people up to get his jollies.

But, since he didn't really know, he decided he might as well ask. "What's your problem? I'm sure that if its something we can change, that we can come to some sort of agreement." He offered, stretching his diplomatic abilities. It was easy to be diplomatic when the people were feeding you good food, offering you beautiful women (even if you knew better than to sleep with someone offworld), and being diplomatic in return. It was a bit harder when they fed you prison food and tried to beat you up.

"My problem?" The prisoner raised an eyebrow. "It's you. I'm the lord here. I have ultimate authority here, and so you better just bow your head and do what I say. When I say to get out of the way, you get out of the way. When I say move, you move. When I say…"

Keegan cut him off, schooling his features till he had a perfectly straight face. "Yes, yes, when you say jump, we ask, 'how high?', when you say run, we ask, 'how far?'… we get it."

Henning, being rather tall and muscular for his age, asserted himself and got in the Annoying Prisoner's face. "You should probably step carefully around us." He warned in his best threatening voice.

He'd never admit it, but he was channeling Dr. McKay when he was pissed.

Annoying Prisoner smirked. "You have no idea." With that, he sauntered off to take up his position near his 'security detail'.

Brian looked up when a guard walked by and gave them a glare. "Get to work!" He fairly screamed into his ear.

Together, the team started to chip away at the rock wall, and then Brian winced when the guard left. "Dear Lord!" He exclaimed. "He reminds me of the Technical Sergeant in charge of my Flight during basic training!" He shuddered. "Tech Sarge Gregson." He shook his head. "You know," He looked at Maddox who looked determined to smash a hole in the wall all by himself. "That man had the nerve to call me a sissy girl."

Maddox paused as he switched his grip on his pickax. "Brian, you are a sissy girl."

"… Thanks." Brian pretended to sniff, before he started to cough violently. He had taken a huge whiff of the dust in the air, and his lungs didn't like. "You see what you do to me?"

Keegan grinned and gave Brian a pat on the back, and the two men started to work again. Of course, they weren't focusing entirely on their work. They were taking notes; anything from the positioning of workers to the consistency of the watering to the movement of the guards could be vital to their escape.

Honestly, they didn't plan on staying for more than a few days, in case their rescue didn't come, for whatever reason.

But they were hoping their rescue would come.

**Just so we're all clear, if you could leave even a small review, that would be most appreciated. This story is different than anything I've ever written; it's much more light and humorous, making light of a bad situation, rather than being emo and depressing. I want to know how I'm doing, and I just like to hear from people, so please, take one second and tell me what you think!**


	6. WOOOOOOOWHAPAH11one!

**Disclaimer: Not mine! And the idea for the SGA teams' Grand Entrances is from the wonderful, dear Fred the Wraith, a great authoress. Love her, worship her… I do.**

**And the idea that Chuck can do an impersonation of Jack Nicholson and Joe Flanigan is from a youtube video from a convention. Look up "Chuck Campbell Jack Nicholson" and you'll find it.**

"Chuck?"

The named mumbled unintelligibly, shifting in his wonderful sleep. If he had had the energy, he would have mentally cursed whoever was waking him up. He'd just had a cool dream about Replicators doing the waltz and the Wraith getting down with the foxtrot, and he wanted to drift back into sleep and experience a few more moments of that odd idea, but whoever had said his name was adamant. He really wished they weren't, though.

"Chuck!" Came the voice again (female) and a light shove.

Chuck let out an undignified, "AHHHH!" as he jerked himself fully awake, and toppled out of his technician's chair. His head smacked firmly against the counter, forcing manly tears to his eyes, and he landed in an appropriately undignified heap on the floor, his legs twisted around the legs of his chair. He sighed and let his forehead touch the cold metal floor.

"Why, God? Why?" He asked the air as he slowly picked himself up, cradling the arm he'd fallen on as though it was broken and moaning like a dying man. He turned around to see Dr. Alyssa Woods, an anthropologist, standing there. He couldn't help but match her smile as she offered him a sheepish grin. "Hey Alyssa, what's up?" He inquired as he settled himself back into his seat, rubbing where he'd hit his head, but he wasn't too worried. His vision was still sharp and perfect, and the world was still relatively steady. Besides, he had a hard head, and according to Captain Cadman, he didn't have much in his head that could be hurt. Heh. Funny girl.

"Sorry." She apologized, giving his shoulder a friendly squeeze. "I was wondering if SGA-2," Referring to Major Leeds' team, of course. "Had contacted you yet with any information about the primitive people. I spoke to Major Leeds and he said he'd take some notes for me until I could get there, and I just," She shrugged with a smile, looking a bit worried, as if she was concerned that he didn't want her to waste his time. "Wanted to know."

Chuck grinned at her and she blushed prettily. "Alyssa, you know you're my number one girl. You can always come talk to me, whenever you want, about whatever." Then, he winked as he leaned back to study her fully. She was rather pretty, and she was always so sweet to him, even in a time of crisis. It wasn't as though he was complaining or anything stupid like that about her being there. "Anyway," His tone turned slightly more business-like and he straightened up. "I haven't heard anything from them. In fact," He checked his computer and saw SGA-2's offworld marker was flashing, telling him it was time for their check-in. "They should have checked in already."

He looked up at her, and she was already wringing her hands in worry. She knew as well as he did that a team missing their one-day check-in wasn't a sign that they were too caught up in meeting new people. He gave her a reassuring smile and took her hand, giving it a quick squeeze.

"Alyssa, could you go get Dr. Weir for me? I think she's in the labs with Dr. Zelenka." He smiled sweetly and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. She smiled at him thankfully as she left. He didn't want her to be there when he didn't get an answer from Major Leeds.

Chuck dialed Leeds' planet's address, and waited for the wormhole to be established. He waited for a few seconds, hoping against his better judgment that maybe, Leeds was just running late. He was well known for being a social butterfly and his team was a source of jokes, after all. It could be expected of him. Even with the three teams returning that morning, no one had been able to, in his opinion, beat SGA-2's most famous Grand Entrance. At the time, the team had been made up by the major, Lieutenant Maddox and Captain Cadman, and they had barrel-rolled through the Gate, only to get up, and execute an almost-perfect performance (dancing included) of "I Think We're Alone Now" by Tiffany.

Chuck had never laughed so hard at the sight of Laura on her knees, arms out, and behind her, Brian and Keegan hugging as they belted out the last (off key) notes and the words,

"I think we're alone now! There doesn't seem to be anyone around! I think we're alone now! The beating of our hearts is the only SOOOOOOOOUND!" And cue the dramatic finish: Laura stands up and Keegan and Brian pick her up, and she's lying in the hammock made by their arms. Obviously their mission had been too easy and they'd had too much free time, but Chuck had given it a resounding ten.

Anyway.

Chuck waited for a few more moments, and then shook his head with a sigh. He tapped his comlink. "SGA-2, this is Atlantis. Please respond. Major Leeds, Captain Cadman, Lieutenant Henning, Lieutenant Maddox, Dr. Kavanaugh, please respond. Repeat, this is Atlantis, please respond." It wasn't as though he was expecting anyone to answer, but he still felt a weight of sadness settle onto his shoulders when he didn't hear a voice.

It was then that Dr. Weir appeared at his shoulder. "Chuck?"

Chuck whirled around in his chair and shook his head. "Major Leeds' team hasn't reported in for their twenty-four hour check in. I attempted contact, but they haven't responded." He reported quietly.

Dr. Weir nodded. "Thank you, Chuck." She turned around and walked to her office, tapping her earpiece as she went. "Colonel Sheppard, Major Leeds' team hasn't reported in…" The door to her office closed, and Chuck couldn't hear anything more.

He let out a long sigh, running his hands through his hair as Dr. Woods sat down beside him as well. She gave him a small smile, and he forced a grin. He could see the worry in her eyes. Whenever one of the scientists were around, he could feel the concern rolling off of them in waves. And whenever he could see their worry, there was only one thing he could do…

"Did you know I do a mean impression of Jack Nicholson pulling Colonel Sheppard over after he's run a red light?" He asked as he pulled out a pair of sunglasses he had, for some reason, stashed into his pocket that morning and perched them on his nose.

Chuck gave her an encouraging smile, and she smiled back, and her smiles turned to laughter as he overdramatized the "whininess" of Colonel Sheppard's voice.

**XXX**

King Teal'c… er, Kavanaugh… was seated in front of his cabinet, and he stared at them blankly. He broke eye contact to close his eyes and pull his glasses off. He rubbed his face, obviously stressed out, and then replaced his glasses and straightened himself up. His arrogant little mind was basking in the fact that he was king over these primitive little folk, but that same arrogant little mind was appropriately flipping out because unlike his assumption that the whole burning thing was a prank… yeah, it wasn't.

"So, what you're saying… is that you are going to burn me in three days?" He enunciated slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"But of course!" Peram replied excitedly. "Shall I explain the process, King Teal'c?" The little man's bright blue eyes were shining. It was obvious he was more than honored to be the aide to the king. He was so consumed in his own happiness that he didn't have the presence of mind to ask after the queen. He assumed she was still asleep, as it was quite early in the day, or perhaps doing other tasks. Or simply waiting for her lord to return.

… If Peram was honest with himself, he didn't know why the queen had married the king. The queen was young and gorgeous, not to mention had a positive air about her. The king was much older than her, was thoroughly unremarkable, and he had a very negative personality. But Peram was the king's aide, and his personal opinions didn't matter.

Peram clapped his hands happily, and stood up, puffing out his chest pompously. "First you shall be bathed in the sacrificial oil. Several slave girls will be assisting you in the bathing." He winked at the king. "And while the oil is still fresh, the decorative and spiritual feathers will be attached to your body. Then all of the King's Slaves will engage in the dance."

"Dance?" Kavanaugh's voice was despairing. How was he going to get out of this?

"Oh, yes!" Peram was absolutely oblivious to his king's feelings. "It is the grand story of how the fire will purify us all and how the feathers were plucked from the wings of the gods and all such truths!" He giggled.

Calvin's expression was pinched. "Go on." He groaned.

"Ah yes. Then your hair shall be shaved from your head, and then your physical body is burned. Only after that will the hair be charred, and then burned. When the fires have burned down, our sages will divine when the next king will come, and when we all die, we will go to the heavens and become winged creatures ourselves!!"

Then, all of the natives in the room let out a sound that sounded suspiciously like, "Wooooowhapah!"

Kavanaugh didn't even join in. This whole situation was so stressful and freakish, and he literally had no idea how to handle this. He'd heard those crazy stories about how Sheppard and Teyla pretended to be a married couple to protect the colonel in a matriarchal society, and how Ronon danced to prove that he was a real man, but this was so different. He was going to be burned alive, and he didn't have an escape route.

He was watched throughout the day, even though he was catered to hand and foot. God, why couldn't Leeds have just kept his mouth shut?! Then they might have been kept together and with five people, there was a better chance of escape than just one. Geez, it was all the stupid military's fault! They just couldn't shove their prides down their throats and just go along with the stupid native customs! GOD!

Kavanaugh was totally feeling put out. What was he supposed to do?! He had the strongest urge to suddenly smash his face against the table. If only.

"Well…" He ground out. "That's going to be… invigorating." He forced out, and then sighed. "Are we done, gentlemen?"

"But of course not!" Peram stopped Kavanaugh before he could get up. "Please, you must venture with us to the Ring of Glory so we might offer up our prayers and supplications to the winged creatures in the sky!"

WOOOOOOOWHAPAH!!11one!

… Or not.

Kavanaugh plastered on a fake smile. "Of course. That will be… great. I… look forward to… it." He imagined snapping Peram's neck. Or better, he imagined Teal'c snapping Peram's neck. Hehe. "When shall we leave?" He asked reluctantly.

"Now, if you're ready."

Dr. Kavanaugh nodded. "Great." He muttered to himself, and then faced Peram. "Let's go!"

The entire room packed up, and Peram led them outside and down the familiar forest path.

**XXX**

Brian Leeds groaned as he lifted a heavy load of the rocks he and his team had chipped off and carried them to the cart that would be pulled out of the mines by ox-like creatures. He kept his eyes up and kept his shoulders square, his head up. While he wasn't about to be stupid and antagonize his captors/slave drivers, he wasn't going to show a moment of weakness. He dumped the rocks into the cart, and as he was returning to his post with his team, he made sure to give Pain-In-The-Ass Prisoner a hard, warning glare when the other man looked at him with smirking eyes.

Now, this was how he got his jollies in prison.

And no, he hadn't meant to shove the other prisoner.

**Purely** unintentional.

He smiled grimly as Laura handed him his pickax, and he leaned over to her. "Cadman, I think Mr. Stick-Up-The-Ass over there is planning something, and I do not like it. Keep an eye on Henning."

"Yes, sir." She looked at him seriously and nodded. She knew him better than most did. He was absolutely terrified, but he wasn't letting his fears show for her benefit. When he was confident, she found she had the strength in herself to make it through. And because he was scared, he couldn't focus on the young second lieutenant, so she'd do it for him.

She gave him a grin. "Brian, when the bad Edward Norton evil guy wannabe over there," She gestured with her head. "Does enact his evil plan, do try not to bleed all over your uniform. You know how the launderers back home get when we get blood all over ourselves." She winked at him as he relaxed and smiled.

"Thanks." He murmured as he got back to work. "God. My shoulder is killing me."

"Slow down, Brian." She reminded him. "Carson's gonna kill you!"

"No, he isn't." He replied.

"Carson's gonna kill you!" She repeated in a sing-song voice, but before she could continue making fun of him, another worker walked by and performed what could only be described as the "Non-Accidental Boob Graze (or Intentional Gropage)". She whirled upon the poor worker who could have not have known what he had awakened.

Carson, being the gentleman he was, didn't even think about feeling his girlfriend up. He just wasn't that type. Laura wasn't exactly the type of hussy to let just anyone touch her like that, and that this worker…

"I'd advise you to just move along, or I'm going to have to pick one of about fifty-two ways to kill you." She threatened the worker. "Brian?" She called over her shoulder, and her muscle stepped up behind her, holding his pickax just as casually as one could.

The worker, a natural coward (though he was one of Pain-In-The-Ass's buddies), eeped and rushed away. Laura's hands were curled into fists. "Can I beat someone up, Brian?"

"Sure!" He answered brightly. "Chad!" He called.

"Yes, sir?" The young man walked over to his commanding officer.

Brian beamed, and Laura's smile turned feral.

Chad inched away. "Yeah, better keep working!" He laughed nervously, and then winked at Laura as she laughed heartily.

Before they began working, Brian turned to Laura. "You okay?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "Thanks."

Sometimes, like once a month and right before that (libido levels rose during that time, after all, and if one didn't intend on jumping into bed...) and right about… now, being a girl sucked. Really, really sucked. Laura couldn't wait to be back in Carson's arms. Once they got out of this.

Soon enough, the day turned into night, and they started the trek back to the houses. Brian was holding his left arm up, since the pain had spread from his shoulder down to his elbow. He was busy growling about stupid captors and stupid slavery and stupid kings and stupid Kavanaugh that his mind wasn't really on his pain. Laura had stuck by Henning, being as discreet to her purpose as possible, keeping the conversation light and positive, asking him questions about the girlfriend he had on Earth and his parents.

Pain-In-The-Ass and six of his cronies stopped Brian and his team before they could continue. Brian didn't like how they were looking at him. He dropped his left arm so he had two limbs with which to fight, in case it came to that.

Brian waited until one of the other prisoners spoke, but no words came. Instead, two of the cronies grabbed Brian and proceeded to beat him, hoping to make him submissive and subservient to their needs. They didn't like how one blondie and his friends came in with such assuming airs; assuming that they were superior, assuming that they had power… assuming that they were allowed to smile and laugh and _sing_.

The other four of Pain-In-The-Ass's friends stopped Laura, Chad and Keegan from helping him, and all they could do was watch as their leader was beaten into unconsciousness. Once Brian was limp in their arms, the prisoners gave up and continued in the line of slaves going back to the houses.

"Hey!" A guard screamed. "Get moving!"

Laura was sorely tempted to jump him and beat him into the ground for allowing such brutality, but she, instead, focused her energy on slinging one of Brian's arms around her neck and helping Keegan carry him. She fought back angry tears, pushing away the burning in her eyes before they formed. She gave a weakly encouraging look to Chad who trotted along beside her, concerned at the bruised and bloody face of the major.

"Don't worry," She assured him with a grim smile. "There's nothing in his head that could be injured. He's fine."

"Yeah." Keegan forced himself to play along, hoping that maybe he'd believe it too. "Nothing to worry about."

Chad nodded. "Yeah."

Nothing in the Air Force basic training or in the Academy could have prepared him for such unmitigated brutality, and he wasn't sure what to do with himself or how to react.

**Please drop a review! I love to hear what you think.**


	7. New Prison, New Captor

**Author's Notes: I am SO sorry this has taken so long. I ran out of muse for a while, so hopefully, the chapters will start speeding up from now on.**

**Disclaimer: It doesn't belong to me.**

Brian woke slowly the next morning, and he immediately knew he wasn't in the prison house. Firstly, he usually didn't make it a point to fall asleep on Laura's butt (he had quickly moved his head to the floor), and he didn't remember imbibing any alcoholic drinks. Then again, he didn't remember anything after getting beaten into unconsciousness by the stupid prisoner idiots.

He heard Keegan jerk himself awake. "Keeg?" He asked lightly.

"Yes, Brian?" Maddox's voice was very, very dry, as he too was realizing their situation.

"I don't remember getting myself pissed drunk." He told his friend.

Brian could imagine Keegan nodding sympathetically. "Neither do I."

"Then tell me why I feel as though I went to Vegas, gambled my way into eternity, got married to someone ugly and then got pissed drunk and now have a massive hangover."

"I don't know what to tell you, Leeds." Keegan ground out as he pushed himself into a sitting position, not liking how his back was feeling. After breaking a few ribs in high school, everything seemed to hurt more if he had to sleep on a hard stone floor. That didn't happen often, but in their line of work, it happened enough. "Maybe Laura got you drunk so she could take advantage of you."

Brian grinned as he sat up as well. "Ah, if only." He turned serious as pain erupted in his entire torso. "Great. Seriously, man, I love it when the natives think it'll be great to beat the crap out of me. Now I'm crapless and I think I may have a concussion." The entire room was spinning, after all. When the room was moving when you KNEW it shouldn't be moving, that was a bad sign.

Keegan offered Brian his arm, and the blond took it. He squeezed his eyes shut and anchored himself to the world. A familiar sensation climbed up his throat, and he pulled away from his teammate and vomited in the corner.

"Aw, hell." He muttered, raking his hands through his hair. "I always get more nauseous than a freaking pregnant woman when I get a concussion." He glared at Keegan who was snickering. "You'll get yours, Lieutenant. You'll get yours."

Keegan grinned as he poked Laura and Chad awake. Once everyone was awake and all of the sleep-crap had been rubbed from eyes, Brian decided to forget about the fact everything looked a little blurry and was spinning (when he usually had 20/20 vision and he was pretty sure the world was pretty steady) and he turned to his team, easily taking up his mantle as the leader.

"Okay, guys," He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. He fought down his nausea (he didn't want Laura to be jealous that he got pregnant before her) and then let out a long breath. "We need to see what our options are and what we've got. Henning, check for any exits, and check the doors to see if they could be jimmied. Cadman, take everyone's vests and inventory. Maddox… check injuries, and make sure I don't puke over everyone." He eased himself against a nearby wall. It felt jagged and coarse against his back… he could only assume they were in some sort of cave with a built in cell. With the very, very dim light, it was hard to see further than a few yards away.

As she relieved him of his tactical vest, Laura touched Brian's cheeks, checking for fever. "Are you okay?" Her voice was low, in case Chad was close. She, Brian and Keegan had been a team for long enough, but Chad was still a newbie. And this was his first kidnapping situation. He needed the strong leadership and direction they could provide, and besides… she knew Brian wouldn't want Chad to know that even the great Major Leeds needed Laura to fuss over him. Her face contorted in concern and she gently ran her hands through Brian's hair. "Poor baby."

"Ah, Cadman, if only I could be injured more often." He smiled blearily at her as he tried to stay concentrated.

Laura grinned, and took Keegan's vest as well, and laid all four of the vests on the ground. She began to open each and every pocket, piling the identical objects together. She sighed as she sat, cross-legged. She tucked several handfuls of hair behind her ears as she took stock of their situation, occasionally glancing over to where Keegan was tending to Brian who looked like he might pass out again. There was something about team leaders; they were always the ones that got the worst of it.

"Okay, Major," Laura smiled at Brian. "We have seven Power Bars between the four of us. We have our four radios, but two of them were broken. I've switched them both on. We have several clips for Keegan's nine-millimeter, and a few magazines for our non-existent P-90s. We also have basic survival items; flint and steels, water purifiers, and a few solar blankets. And… five dollars?" She lifted it up and looked questioningly at Keegan.

"What?" He tried his best to look innocent. "You never know. And I knew that if we got bored, we'd want to bet on something, and I usually lose." He shrugged. "Brian, quit tossing and turning and just go to sleep!"

"I'm trying!" Brian whined, and smacked Keegan lightly, and then turned onto his side. Laura placed a blanket over him and gave his shoulder a pat. "Thanks." He said, smiling sweetly at her.

Chad entered into their line of sight soon after they fell silent. "We seem to be in a cave, but in an enclosed section of it. We're surrounded by medieval prison bars, and they're not half-barrel hinges, and even if they were, we don't have the right leverage, so I see no way out." He sighed, and then plopped down next to Keegan. Darn it, his entire knowledge of jimmying locks came from Pirates of the Caribbean, and the one time he needs it… Lame.

The other three members of the team remained silent until Brian's breathing leveled out, and he was out like a light, partially due to the warmth from the blanket, partially from the comforting touch of the one and only Laura Cadman, her hand gently massaging one of his shoulders. Once he was sleeping, she left him alone, and gestured to the other men to move away from him.

"So, any ideas as to what's up?" Laura asked quietly.

Maddox shrugged. "My only guess is Pain-In-The-Ass Prisoner was a little bit more connected than we thought, or he's not actually a prisoner at all and decided to get revenge."

"Maybe it was someone else. Maybe Dr. Kavanaugh." Henning pointed out. "I mean, he sent you to a gold mine, captain, you must have pissed him off pretty good."

Laura nodded, contemplative. "No, I don't see him as the type. He got pissed once, but I'm sure he misses me." And the funny thing was she was completely serious about that. "Despite what most people think, he's a simple person. He'll hold a grudge if he gets embarrassed in front of others, but he'll just get mad if its an actual argument."

Maddox grinned. "Captain, I love how you understand the one scientist everyone wants to avoid. I mean, McKay can be grating, but that's because he's actually a genius and doesn't get that not everyone else is, but Kavanaugh…" He ground his teeth at the very thought of that man. The **nerve** of that scientist to assume he didn't know anything about physics…

Yeah, Keegan was a little biased. The history between Kavanaugh and Maddox went back a few months, when the lieutenant had been trying to fix a problem with one of the Jumpers, and was drawing on his university-level knowledge of physics, when Kavanaugh had butted in, condescending and arrogant in his usual undeserved way.

Cadman could only smile serenely.

"So," Henning broke in. "What do we do?"

"We wait, unfortunately." Laura admitted. "Sheppard will come and check out what's going on, and he'll attempt to contact us—,"

"But we're in a cave. If they tried to contact us beforehand, it probably wouldn't have worked." Henning pointed out. Oh, he was a little geology geek. "The metals in the rock will inhibit the radio signal. Radios aren't going to work in here."

Cadman considered his words, and then sighed. "Great. We're stuck here."

Keegan smacked her on the back. "Ten points for enthusiasm there, captain."

"What do we do now?" Chad asked.

Keegan grinned at Laura, and then burst into his favorite prison song, The Auld Triangle, a tribute to his Irish heritage. "A hungry feeling came o'er me stealing, and the mice were squealing in my prison cell. And the auld triangle went jingle jangle all along the banks of the Royal Canal."

Laura sniggered into her palm, valiantly attempting not to wake their slumbering leader. "Or…" She took a dramatic breath and she too burst into song. Her prison song of choice was Camp Grenada. "Hello muddah, hello faddah, here I am at Camp Grenada. Camp is very entertaining, and they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining."

Chad grinned, knowing this one, and took the next part. "I went hiking with Joe Spivy. He developed poison ivy. You remember Leonard Skinner? He got malaria last night after dinner."

Keegan, his voice still low, took the last part. "Taaaaake me home, oh muddah, faddah, take me home, I hate Grenada, don't leave me out in the forest where I might get eaten by a bear."

The three young and hopeful officers of the United States Air Force were giggling like helpless schoolgirls at singing ridiculous songs whilst in prison. Laura had to wipe tears away, and Keegan was on his side, holding his stomach, and poor Chad had hit his head several times when he threw it back to give a good belly laugh.

"So," Keegan managed after the ridiculous laughter had passed. "Truth or dare, anyone?"

"Sure!" Laura agreed.

Chad wasn't so enthusiastic. "Um…"

"And it's an order, lieutenant!" Captain Cadman clapped him on the shoulder. "Maddox, you start."

"Okay, Laura, truth or dare?"

Knowing Keegan, Cadman grinned. "Truth."

Keegan looked disappointed, but he took a moment to come up with a reveal-all type of question anyway. "How many kids do you actually want to have with Beckett? Now, we all know he wants a houseful of them, but do you really actually want them?" It was times like these he wished he had a tape recorder. There were advantages to knowing the most gossip-addicted man in Atlantis: Chuck Campbell.

Laura raised her eyebrows and shrugged. "I don't know, a couple, at least. But I really don't know. I guess if we got married," She emphasized the 'if'. "As he hasn't asked me yet, my opinion might change 'cause things would be different, but I dunno."

"Good answer! Might I tack on a related question?" Maddox's soulful brown eyes were begging her, and as much as Laura loved Carson, and she really did, she was a sucker for his eyes too.

"Sure…" However, his deliciously chocolately brown eyes couldn't give her the same enthusiasm for playing this game.

"Now, is it actually the children you'd want to have with him, or the monkey sex that would come before it?" Keegan paused thoughtfully. "Well, I mean, Beckett's Scottish, so would it be sheep sex?"

Laura let out a scandalized sound and smacked his arm. "I am so not answering that question, you loser." She sighed. "This game is boring."

The two guys grinned at each other. "No, it's not!" Chad protested.

Laura rolled her eyes, and then crossed her arms over her hungry stomach. "I could really go for some haggis right now."

Chad furrowed his eyebrows. "Isn't that Greek?"

"You're thinking hummus, my man. Hummus." Maddox nodded sympathetically and slung an arm around Henning's shoulders.

Suddenly, the cell door clanged open, and the three Atlantians jumped to their feet, as their training under Colonel Sheppard dictated that they never allow a captor to tower over them in an intimidating fashion. Laura, as the superior officer awake, took a step forward, and she met Keegan's gaze. She gave a slight tilt of her head, and Keegan took up position in front of a sleeping Brian. The man could probably sleep through a hurricane, if given the chance.

Into the cell came three heavily armed men, two of whom were carrying torches. Behind her back, Chad passed the nine-millimeter to Laura. He pressed it against her back and then tucked it into the waistband of her BDU pants. Then, he stepped to her side, and she gave him a flash of a smile.

"Hello, boys." Laura greeted happily. "How can I help you?"

The three men were then joined by Pain-In-The-Ass Prisoner. Laura could have groaned. Great. Just perfect. Of course they had to come to a planet where another prisoner had it in for them. Of course this prisoner had power. Of bloody course!

"Hello, you." Laura greeted unenthusiastically.

Pain-In-The-Ass smirked. "Look who's all powerful now?"

"Are you actually going to tell us why we're here or are you just going to stand there and gloat? Because I'll be honest with you, I'm a little tired and I could go for a nap. But I'll warn you, once you're done gloating, you're going to get introduced to my fist because I'm a little irritated by your little prison get-up here." Keegan replied airily.

Annoying Prisoner sneered. "You're here because, while most believe the king is the true power, he's just a puppet, and I'm holding the strings."

"I'd be the first to admit what's-his-face is a puppet, but I don't even think he's stupid enough to let himself be controlled by the likes of you." Laura responded, her eyes hard. She was a tough soldier, and she wasn't going to waste her time listening to this idiot blabber. He was just another run-of-the-mill megalomaniac who was bitter because he was just another prisoner with some connections.

"Very well." He huffed. "You are here because you four threaten my rule in the prison mines. I am the king. I control them. I say when they can eat and when they can sleep."

Keegan glanced down at Brian who began to stir. He let out a strangled sort of sound and then vomited. Maddox jumped slightly out of the way, and narrowly missed being vomited on. He wrinkled his nose at the smell, but helped Brian to his feet, keeping a hand at Brian's back in case he swayed.

"Lieutenant," Brian was in Major Mode already. "Do tell me why we're being harassed by our dear friend here."

Maddox, knowing it would annoy their captor even more to show respect, straightened into attention. "Major, Lieutenant Maddox reporting as ordered, sir! We are being harassed because our captor wants to gloat because he is the prison king, sir!" At the sound of his shouty, basic training voice, Laura and Chad straightened up as well.

Annoying Prisoner growled, and then stormed out of the room, obviously going off to be devious and think of ways to threaten and torture them. His three cronies, however, remained, and Brian swayed on his feet, not liking how this thing was turning out. It usually worked to be insubordinate and annoying, but this dude had some muscle. Maybe they should just be lying low and maybe cooperating a bit.

Not to say that Air Force and Marine soldiers were taught to make fun of their captors because kidnappings were serious situations, but when it was a petty little culture thing, it was encouraged to stay strong and show the captor has no power over oneself. But when it was organized and there was some muscle, one had to look out for the entire team rather than sticking it to the man.

"So," Laura's hands were itching to grab the nine-millimeter behind her back and send a few bullets as a warning so they could get out. This was killing her. "Will it be poker or rummy, guys?"

She stood up straighter when the three men advanced onto her. One growled, and grabbed her by the scruff of her jacket. She pulled out the nine-millimeter and pressed it to the man's chest. "Move back, and I won't shoot." She hissed, and the man followed her instructions. "Now, you all will leave our cell and not tell your master about me having this little toy here. Do we have an understanding?"

The three men mumbled, their eyes glued to the barrel of Laura's gun. They left obediently, and the team was left alone.

"We have got a problem." Laura muttered.

Brian nodded, and slowly lowered himself back to a sitting position. "Yup. We've got an angry little annoyance who has a few people to back up his words. Okay, guys," He addressed his team. "Just keep it down for now. Sheppard should be here soon."

_God, I hope_, he thought to himself as the world kept spinning due to his concussion.

**Please review! Next chapter: how things have been going on in Atlantis when suddenly, a welcome (or maybe not so welcome) visitor arrives.**


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